The Butterfly Effect
by lindsayandhalstead
Summary: When Erin stands up to defend the boy with the sad blue eyes it's a beginning of an unexpected friendship. Or maybe even something more? Teenage AU. Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm really sorry updates have been slow over the summer. I have no other excuse but that work is kicking my butt so much I'm in bed and it's only 9pm. Energy has been hard to find lately, so I'm posting this chapter in hopes that your feedback will motivate me to write more. This is set back when Erin and Jay were teenagers and will diverge from canon, because they'll go to the same high school. I also hope this will be a good opportunity to maybe explore the relationships within the families, mainly between Erin and Camille, and Jay and his family.**

 **I would genuinely love to hear your thoughts, and if you think this is something you would want to read on. Because there is plenty more that I have planned. Just make your opinion known!**

 **I would like to thank everyone for the incredible support and feedback I've gotten for the last piece. Your reaction was more than worth the pain of writing it! You guys are my reason for doing this.**

* * *

If Erin had listened more carefully in Mr. Tanner's class, she would know all about the butterfly effect. She would know what chaos theory is, and how even the smallest cause can have a larger effect, and that even the smallest action of rebellion, can change the course of things in the future.

But even if she knew that standing up that day in class would change her life forever, she still couldn't have remained seated.

It all starts on an ironically sunny day. She plops down into her desk and pulls out her book with a loud groan. Her friend Kim eyes her sympathetically from the desk next to hers, and they smile at each other, before the dreadful bell announces the start of next period.

She has been going to her new school for almost two months now, and so far, Kim is the only friend she has managed to make. Besides a whole lot of enemies of course. There was that incident in the school cafeteria, where one of the school bullies wanted to force her to give him her lunch money. Remembering the black eye he sported around school for two weeks after, makes her believe he picked the wrong girl. She somehow managed to get away without detention, mostly because the crowd around them was so big, nobody actually saw what happened. It was for the best. She's trying hard to stay out of trouble. Mostly to please her new family, but also to prove it to herself that she can.

She mostly sticks to herself, head down, powering through, reminding herself that she has something to lose now. A family that has accepted her in ways she never expected. And she's never had something to lose before. It's a privilege, as much as is it responsibility not to screw things up.

For the first couple of weeks she went to sleep every night, sure that she would wake up and they would tell her to leave. But they never did. Camille, though reluctant at first, gave Erin the love she so desperately craved. At some point, she stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The English class is crammed into a small classroom. Two of the windows are damaged, so they don't open. The warm April they're having causes the classroom to heat up, and with almost no ventilation, it's a surprise that they can still breathe. But that's not the reason Erin dreads this period. It's not even the boring subject itself. It's their teacher.

Erin has met a lot of mean people in her life—people who have washed their lives down the drain and hooked themselves on drugs and alcohol. People who were mean because they were coming off a high, and they knew they had no money for another fix. Even her mother was one of them, and boy could she be mean sometimes. Her cheekbones were the first-hand witness of that. Her mother's slaps are something she sure doesn't miss.

But with Mr. Hardy it's different. He is mean just for the sake of being mean, and an educator no less. The person who is supposed to teach kids, but instead find new inventive ways of torturing them, and it bugs Erin to the core. Of course, she isn't a naïve little girl, surprised to find out that the system is broken. She knows that first hand.

So she sits in her seat in the third row on the right, and keeps her mouth shut when he picks his new victims day after day.

One time it was Tracy Edwards, whose mom is apparently a drunk. He asked her if she was doing anything to deal with her drinking problem, as if her mother's problems were her own—as if Tracy could do anything about it. Erin could relate to all of that. Then it was Kevin for being black, because the professor genuinely wanted to know if he needs sunscreen and if he likes his barbecue on the dark side as well. Erin got her turn, of course, shortly after coming to the school as a welcome, right after everyone found out where she came from. Erin Lindsay, the stray the Voights took in. The criminal. The junkie. She never let him know how much his words bothered her, and eventually he stopped.

Just last week it was Maria for being "too fat". Erin thinks she'll never forget how tears slowly fell onto her notebook, drenching the pages, smudging the notes Erin knows are flawless and very helpful, because she's been kind enough to lend it to her last week, while the professor asked her if she's sure her chair is strong enough to hold her.

Today it's the silent boy's turn. He sits in the front, almost never speaking, she remembers, and when he does, he gets picked on by class bullies. She's seen kids make fun of him. He mostly keeps to himself, not unlike herself, and she's only maybe seen him with the Ruzek kid, who's cocky enough for both of them.

She watches as his knuckles go pale and his palms form fists, as he listens to the endless rant about how he must be one of them gays, because he doesn't party and his grades are too good, and how his father is surely disappointed, but at least he's got one son that worthy of his name.

There are tears in his eyes. But he won't let them fall, she knows. It's a familiar kind of stubbornness. The unyielding pride.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

He just stands up, stands still for a second while the class waits in expectation of his reaction. Then he turns to leave the classroom, as if unable to stand any more of the harassment.

"Enough!" She doesn't know when she stood up, or when the word came out, but the class is silent and the teacher is staring at her with the most shocked expression she's seen on him so far. The lines on his face pop out, and she gulps, cursing herself. But there is no way back. No repeat option. She has to go with it now.

"Ms. Lindsay, you will speak when I ask you to."

"What part of you gets off on torturing your students?" She thinks she hears someone gasp, or maybe it's just her imagination. She knows she feels like gasping. She realizes that the object of today's harassment has vanished through the door, and she wonders if she did the right thing.

"I said sit down!"

"No! You're unbelievable. You can't do this."

"And you're a failure, Ms. Lindsay. And you just failed English."

"You can't just fail me." At least she thinks so, but the little voice in her head starts doubting, and she's afraid she just threw away everything she's worked for the last couple of months.

"Watch me."

Leave him alone," she repeats, not sure what made her suddenly play the protector of the weak, but she knows that sitting there, pretending this isn't wrong is no longer an option. Every cell in her body is yelling at her that she did the right thing.

She leaves to follow the boy outside.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To hell," she murmurs, not even bothering to stop to answer his question.

"Hey," she calls out after the quickly disappearing figure in the hallway, "wait up!"

For a second she thinks he's not going to stop. That he'll just keep walking, until she loses sight of him, but he falters, then finally stops, mid-stride, so she can catch up with him.

"Are you okay?"

"Why, so you can make fun of me to? Just leave me alone."

"I'm not making fun of you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You seemed pretty upset. I mean I get it, the guy is a total jerk."

"Didn't seem to bother you," he replied, and she thinks she catches a glimpse of admiration in his voice.

"I'm good at pretending," she confesses. "Don't tell anyone." She doesn't know why she's telling her deepest secrets to a complete stranger, but something inside her wants to make him understand that she's not the enemy. Something makes her want to trust him, which strikes her odd, because she hasn't been able to trust anyone in her life. Except for maybe Hank and Camille.

"I don't need you to protect me."

"I know. I did it for myself. I wouldn't be able to sleep one more night knowing I did nothing to stand up to him." But she did do it for him, because the helpless look in his eyes would haunt her otherwise.

"That makes one of you," he murmurs, but his voice visibly softens. She stares into his eyes—blue, even grey when the light changes. Despite the sadness in his eyes, the expression on his face screams that he will never give up; that he will find what he's looking for, and that he will make the world his own, and she feels that it's the way it's supposed to be, and that she has to be there to witness it, or she will never be truly happy.

That is the moment in which Erin Lindsay decides to befriend this boy with blue eyes, no matter the consequences.

"I'm Erin," she offers, and grins when he smiles shyly.

"I'm Jay."

Even his name speaks to her, and after months of being bored, and standing still, Erin feels that maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe future isn't so bad. Like a little girl solving a riddle, her entire being fills with curiosity and wonder.

"Nice to meet you."

"You're gonna get into trouble," he tells her. "Hanging out with me probably isn't such a good idea."

"I was never the one for good ideas. I'll see you around, Jay." His name slides off her lips, familiar, like she's been saying it for years. She turns around to leave, to report to the principal's office, because that's the last thing she heard Hardy yell after her, after she walked out of the classroom. It feels like a small victory, when a tentative _I'll see you_ sounds after her. She doesn't let him see her smile, but it doesn't disappear all the way to the office that's way too familiar to her.

She takes a deep breath, and prepares to face to music.

* * *

"We agreed, no problems."

"I know," she whispers, not really knowing what to say. The disappointment in his eyes is killing her, because he is the one person that she really doesn't want to disappoint. Some weird part of her wants him to be proud. It's why she's taken so much of everyone's crap over the months she's started to live with them.

"Do you care to explain yourself?"

"I can't." She shakes her head to stop the tears from falling. "I'll go get my things."

"Oh, no you won't. You're grounded until further notice. You will come straight home from school, and on Monday, when we go see the principal, you will apologize to Mr. Hardy, and you will mean it."

His voice leaves no room for argument, and she's glad she's had a lot of practice on how not to start crying, even though the hot tears threaten to fall despite all her efforts.

* * *

She doesn't know what's going on downstairs, but she can hear somebody she doesn't know. It's not loud enough to recognize the voices though, and whoever it is, doesn't stay long.

The walls of her prison are painted blue, because that's what she wanted. When Hank told her to pick a colour, she thought he was kidding. It was a wall, weren't all walls white? But she remembers staring at the book with colour samples, and imagining it surrounding her.

Justin teased her about surely picking pink, obviously mocking her. She was as far from a girly girl they could get. She debated between yellow, but it seemed to happy then, and it seems too happy now. Blue is better.

She hears a knock on the door, and it surprises her that even in while she's trouble, they still respect her privacy. That alone makes her mutter a silent _'come in'_ instead of pressing her lips tighter together like she wants to.

The door creaks open and it's Hank. She wasn't expecting to see his face, judging by how soft the steps towards the door were. She's learnt that when he's pissed off, he walks like a Hulk.

"I had a very interesting conversation with your friend," he tells her, and she looks up. Kim wouldn't dare to come to her house, and she has no other friends. "Why didn't you tell me you were standing up to a professor who was bullying the kids?"

"What difference does it make?"

"A big one, in my eyes." His voice is soft, almost as if he's trying to make up for yelling at her before. For a second she wonders what he sees when he looks at her. "We'll discuss everything when I talk to the principal. Until we decide what's next, your punishment is off. Dinner is in 10 minutes."

"Okay," she murmurs, surprised that he's lifted her punishment, even if temporarily. It doesn't click, until Camille puts an extra portion of green beans on her plate at dinner, because she knows Erin likes them, or how even Justin gets up to refill her glass.

But how on Earth, would a scared boy she talked to earlier that day, have the courage to talk to Hank Voight and tell him what really went down, when the entire school knew who he was, and feared him. It was one of the main reasons she mostly got left alone.

It's going to be a long weekend of wondering, until she can see him again on Monday, and maybe finally get some answers.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I can't tell you how much the enthusiastic response I got for the first chapter has meant to me. I only hope I don't let you down. And if you keep liking it, keep letting me know.**

 **I love all of you beautiful souls out there!**

* * *

Jay doesn't know what's gotten into him.

He has never been the brave kind—always keeping a bit on the side-lines in the safe haven of anonymity and loneliness. Aside from Adam, he doesn't have friends. It's not like he wins any popularity contests at school. He's lucky if he can make it through the day without getting shoved at the locker or worse by the jocks every high school seems to have.

But her absence from school on Friday makes worry and uneasiness wash over him. Because if she got into trouble, it is because of him. She was the only one out of 25 kids in their class that stood up for him—for all of them finally, and the least he can do is properly express his gratitude.

He cycles to her house—well to Hank Voight's house, and does what most of the guys from school wouldn't dare to do. He faces the man because of which Erin gets left alone at school (that and the mysterious vibe she carries everywhere she goes). Of course, Jay knows who she is. The whole school knows Erin Lindsay. Voight's girl.

The girl who carries a certain air around her when she walks down the hall. A sense of street wisdom that none of the other kids have, or should have for that matter, a sense of being older than the rest, even though she's the exact same age. Her face tells that she's been through a lot in her sixteen years of life, and if she wanted to, she could make your life a living hell.

But she doesn't. She walks through life alone, for the exception of a quiet girl, named Kim Burgess that his best friend has a crush on. He wonders if she ever gets lonely like he does, or if she's just a different kind of person than he is.

Her words sound in his mind. _I'm good at pretending._ Perhaps she's not so different at all—just wears a better mask. A mask he envies her with all his heart, because even pretending sounds better at this point.

His first intention is simply to thank her, maybe see why she was absent from school, but when he asks to speak to her, he finds out she's grounded and words come rushing out before he even realizes it. Words of admission. Words of guilt.

The conversation goes in a totally different direction than he expects. Voight listens, and nods, and then thanks him for being honest, and for going to the trouble of coming to him and setting things straight. His wife offers him a soda. She reminds him of his mom—warm and loving.

Getting back on his bike, he wonders why the girl he had one conversation with already makes him act like he's fearless.

He starts to understand now, that being fearless may not be about not having any fears, but about standing up against what you fear. He has a feeling that is just one of the many lessons he will learn from Erin Lindsay.

* * *

"When is the meeting?" Adam asks him with a mouth full of chips. It takes Jay a while to even decipher the question.

"After school, on Monday."

"Man, I still can't believe what you did."

"I still can't believe what she did." Or why. He partly understands the need to stand up, even though he has never actually had the courage to do it. But he's wanted to, even before it was his turn with Mr. Hardy.

"She could get into a lot of trouble," Adam comments sympathetically, and Jay nods. His mind is absent from the conversation, thinking about the talk they had in the hallway. "How is your dad taking it?"

"Not good." Adam is the only person who knows how dreadful the relationship between Jay and his dad is. "He's gonna blame it all on her."

Which is why he dreads the meeting even more.

* * *

Her ratty Converse shoes tread softly against the ugly grey linoleum of the school hallway. Hank's shoes thud loudly next to hers, as she tries to catch up. Her head is pointed at the floor, so she doesn't see Jay's tentative look as they enter the principal's office.

Her hair is combed into a pretty braid that Camille did in attempt to comfort her during breakfast, or to make her look presentable for the meeting with the principal, she doesn't really know. Erin didn't let her know that it did comfort her. That it put her mind at ease for about five seconds, before the nerves kicked in again. That her hands in her hair made her feel loved and wanted—that that is the feeling she clings to now, as the dread fills her whole being. Despite how ugly this building is, it represents something more to Erin. Hope of a future, and even if she hates coming here every day, she doesn't want that hope to vanish. She's tired of letting people down.

She's tired of letting herself down.

The meeting starts exactly how she had anticipated. Jay's dad loses no time in blaming this whole thing on her. Jay stays silent, and she doesn't blame him a bit. Jay is used to being bullied, and Erin has a feeling that the first person it comes from, is his own father.

"I can't even believe you let our kids go to school with _her._ " She can see Jay's jaw tighten and Hank's fingers form a fist. "It's not moral. She's a junkie. A con. We all know what goes on under that roof. Don't try to make us believe that he took her in out of the goodness of his heart."

Erin opens her mouth to protest, but Hank stops her before she can muster a word.

"Erin, remember that conversation we had?" He waits for her to nod before he continues. "Now is the time to remember it," Hank says supportively and she nods, recalling how this all started to begin with.

* * *

" _But what do you want from me?"_

" _I don't want anything." There is truth in his voice, in his words, and she wants to believe him, but if life has taught her anything, is that nothing in life comes without a price. And before she accepts this, she has to know if this is the price she's willing to pay._

 _She rolls her eyes. "Sure. A guy just takes in a stray, wants nothing in return. Who's gonna believe that?"_

 _He ponders for a second, and she thinks she's right. "I'm not sleeping with you," she tells him, though she could do worse, she reminds herself. She did do worse. Shame washes through her instantly, making her cheeks burn bright._

" _I don't want to sleep with you," he tells her matter-of-factly, not dismissing her fear, but putting it at ease. "I'm happily married," he reminds her, because yes, she's met Camille; liked the warmth radiating from her, and how she could wrap this good ol' softie around her finger at any time. "And it doesn't matter who believes it, as long as we know what's what."_

 _She stares at him for a fleeting second—feels a lump in her throat, tears forming in her eyes. Then she nods. There is a price after all. Just not at all the one she expected._

" _And people are gonna talk. Old man takes in a young thing like you, there'll be rumours."_

 _She knows that. She just doesn't care. "You're not that old," she says, giving him a smile. It's gone as quick as it came, but she feels a bond form between them, and for the first time in a long time, she wants to belong to someone again._

" _Now, you asked me what I want from you. I want you to try. Apply yourself in school. No fighting. No trouble. Don't let the surroundings you were born in determine where you end up." He pauses, and then adds something. "I know you don't respect me, and maybe with time I'll change that. I don't care what you say to me, but you're sure as hell gonna respect Camille and Justin."_

 _A reluctant nod is all he gets._

" _Welcome home," he says, motioning her inside, and she steps inside the house, carrying the little clothing she has deemed worthy of taking with her. She couldn't find all that much without a hole in it, but maybe she can try to sow it back together._

 _Home seems such a foreign concept to her. She doesn't know what the big deal is about it._

 _She enters the house, thinking how wrong he is about one thing. She already respects him._

* * *

Now she sits there—a different person than she was back then. But if somebody looks close enough, not that different. Her chin is rising up proudly. She came in here, willing to take anything. She would apologize if Hank asked her to—it was something she decided she owes him. She would lower her head and lie about being sorry, but it doesn't come to it.

"We did agree to no trouble," the principal reminds Voight and he nods impatiently.

"And has Erin been causing trouble recently? Before the incident?"

"I can't say she has been, no. Her grades are gradually growing, her behaviour has improved significantly. But there is the incident to consider. We do not take mouthing off to teachers lightly, Mr. Voight."

"I do not take lightly when a teacher bullies my kid." His voice is steel—cold and unyielding.

It's a blur—a silent storm raging inside the crowded office, while the principal tries to sway Hank, but she already knows he's lost. Mr. Hardy is forced to apologize to her, and she finds out exactly what it feels like when your parent stands up for you. She swallows the tears forming in her eyes, and the surprise lumping in her throat.

 _My kid._

The image of him standing there, his hands on his hips—she wants to burn it into her mind forever. For a second she wishes she could paint like Camille, because that is a picture worth painting. Worth hanging on the wall and watching every single day.

Her eyes find Jay's, the blueness of them amazing her every time. He mouths _I'm sorry,_ but she shakes her head. He has nothing to be sorry for. Family, as she well knows, is not something you choose. Nobody knows that better than her. Having grown up with her father in jail, and her mother shooting fix after fix down her veins, she still feels like apologizing for her own family—she's still learning that she doesn't have to.

His expression says it all. How sorry he is for what his father said, how sorry he is he didn't stand up for her—the way she did for him. Erin makes a mental note of telling him at some point that she doesn't blame him.

* * *

The opportunity doesn't come as soon as she hopes. They don't exactly avoid each other, but oddly enough, they never seem to end up at quite the same place. It escapes her mind soon, especially with the load of school work that she's still struggling with.

Then he comes to their table in the cafeteria one day, when she's buried into a chapter about different types of cells.

"Hey." His voice is soft, and quiet. So quiet, she doesn't even hear him at first, so Kim is the one to look up first, and nudge her arm. She ignores her blushing friend and stares straight into his eyes.

She likes his eyes. They remind her that despite how horrible the world can be, there are still good people in it. People who can show you their soul through their eyes. She's not entirely sure he's aware of this. Actually, she's pretty certain he's not, and she only holds that in his favour.

"I came to your house the other day, to thank you. So, thank you."

"I'm the one who should be thanking you, I guess," she murmurs. "You're the reason I didn't get expelled."

"I'm the reason you were facing expulsion in the first place."

"Mr. Hardy was the reason."

"Right. Well then," he finishes awkwardly, standing there hesitantly, alongside his friend who can't keep his eyes off her friend. Erin grins and points to the opposite side of the table.

"But I warn you, this is a loser table," she adds with the invitation, and he grins back while he sits, and motions for Adam to sit as well.

"Can't be any worse than eating lunch behind a dumpster." They all grow quiet, not knowing what to say after the ridiculously honest comment he made. They all know it's true, and they all know it's not funny. It's not funny that life is hell for about half of high-school students who are not in the popular cliques. "I mean I can't get any more loser than I already am."

"You know anything about cells?" Erin breaks the awkwardness. He nods enthusiastically.

"I'm a straight A in bio."

"Geek. But also, great! I can use all the help."

"Thank god, I'm not that good at bio anyway, and helping you was exhausting. Good luck!" Kim says, directing the last part to Jay, and they all laugh at her comment, except for Erin who eyes her from the side.

"Traitor." But her voice is light-hearted and he friend knows it didn't offend her.

Jay leans closer, inspecting the chapter. Then he moves to the bench she's sitting on and starts explaining it to her in a way he knows she'll understand. At the end, she's quite sure she knows more biology than she ever has before.

"Would you mind helping me study for this test? I really need a good grade."

"Not at all. It will help me to revise, so it's a win-win."

She tells him to come by the house, wondering if Camille will mind. But they're both constantly telling her to get good grades, so they shouldn't mind a tutor, right?

He smiles at her, and Erin thinks that if she gets to see him and pass the test, it's definitely a win for her.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I cannot stress how happy your reviews make me! It means a lot to me, so please don't stop!**

* * *

"You need new shoes."

The statement is delivered matter-of-factly, and despite knowing Camille is right, Erin makes a face and shakes her head. "These are perfectly fine."

Camille looks down at her battered Converse that have seen better days to be totally honest. She's had them for a couple of years now, and since it's her only pair, the signs of wear are there to prove it. But at the thought of changing these for some girly classy shoes, Erin's stomach turns for the worse. It's just not her. She's the ripped jeans and a leather jacket type of girl.

Justin lets out a small snore that makes Erin giggle softly, temporarily forgetting about the conversation. It's not the first time he's fallen asleep at the table. He's not a morning person, and she teases him about it constantly. Camille nudges him to go get his stuff, and Erin scarfs down a couple more bites of breakfast. She's put on quite a few pounds, so what she really needs is a pair of jeans that fits. The above-average cooking she's been exposed to lately just makes it nearly impossible to resist going back for more. That and having lived without constant food for so long.

Camille insists on the shoes matter, and they end up going shopping after school. Erin can't remember the last time she's been shopping. She got most of her clothes from her neighbours, or at some charity organization. Since she was old enough to walk around, she can't remember Bunny ever thinking about something as basic as food and clothing.

Walking into a mall alongside Camille makes her feel almost normal.

"We need one of these. What are you, a 7?"

Erin nods, and watches wide-eyed, how the shop-assistant takes them to a shelf filled with Chucks of different colours. Camille lets her chose the classic black ones, and Erin tries to hide the fact that her hands tremble with excitement. She's never had them new before.

The ones she has on she saved from a dumpster. It only took a little cleaning to make them look presentable, and she's been wearing them ever since. The sole is already starting to separate from the fabric, so when it rains, her feet get wet, but she's used to that. To have them new is a whole different matter for Erin. She can't stop smiling as they exit the shop, and she lets Camille insist on some other wardrobe pieces, including those jeans she needs.

"I always wanted a daughter that I could take shopping like this," she admits to Erin, when she's trying on leather jackets. "This one is perfect."

Erin just glances at the price, and shakes her head. "I'll keep on looking."

"We're taking this one."

She touches the soft material gently, as Camille pays. She lets herself have a little girl moment, and insists on wearing it right that moment, so she tears the tag off, and slips it on, even though it's unusually warm for spring that day. She catches her reflection in a mirror and barely recognizes what she sees.

Gone is the scrawny little girl with torn clothes and bags under her eyes. Gone is that dead look in her eyes, the pale skin, the bones sticking out. She looks filled out—healthy. Good even. There is nothing about her that indicated she's been plucked off of the streets. Nothing indicating her sordid past. But she knows that there is only so much the clothing can do, and some things stay with you forever.

Erin soon understands. They pull into the driveway, and she notices Hank's car is on the driveway. He isn't supposed to be home yet. He hasn't come home before five for the entire week, and she can sense, by the tense posture when he does come home, that a case is wearing him down. So can Camille, she thinks, because she's been all comforting words and supporting touches every time she looks at them. It almost makes her think that love isn't just a myth.

But he's home now, and so is Justin, and her eyes burn when she sees the cake on the table, and the balloons set up so awkwardly, it couldn't have been anyone but Justin.

"Happy Birthday, kiddo!"

"How did you—how?"

"Give me some credit, I'm a cop."

"You didn't have to," she murmurs in reply, feeling Camille's hand on her shoulder. She bites her upper lip to stop herself from crying.

"We wanted to. Everyone deserves to celebrate their birthday. And something tells me, you didn't get to do that a lot."

She just shakes her head. "Thank you."

It's the best lunch she's ever had, all her favourites. And the cake tastes like nothing she's ever tasted, and the image she catches in the kitchen window fills her with warmth and gratitude.

It's the first time in her life, that she doesn't hate the fact that she's turning a year older. It's the first time in her life she feels like she's got a family.

* * *

"Why do I have to find out it was your birthday yesterday from Justin?"

"I forgot," Erin mumbles ashamed, because for most of her life she's desperately tried to ignore the date every year. She knew what birthdays are supposed to be like—cake and presents. But with the exception of one year, when she remembers Bunny being high on something good, when she brought home pizza, and cake, and a present for Erin, Erin can't recall a birthday she'd actually enjoy.

"You can't forget your birthday! I bought you something."

"You don't have to—" she starts, but Kim cuts her off with a hand gesture.

"I want to. I like giving presents."

She tears through the wrapping paper like a tornado, and her lips spread into a smile when she sees what's inside. It's a nail polish, and she briefly wonders if she coordinated with Camille, because it's the exact shade of dark red as her new jacket. She smiles.

"I love it. I love this colour."

"It's your colour. Sexy and dangerous." They smile at each other at the comment, and Erin puts the little bottle in her pocket, deciding to try it out as soon as she gets home. _Home._ It still strikes her every time she thinks about it with such normalcy, that she has one now. A home. A family.

"My brother is an idiot," Jay complains as he sits down with them, looking at the wrapping paper on the table. "Who's birthday is it?"

"Mine," Erin admits quietly, like it's no big deal, but his eyes widen. "It was yesterday," she explains when he wishes her a happy birthday.

"I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. I really didn't know." He looks like he feels really bad, and she's quick to reassure him.

"Actually, you got me the best gift," she teases, pulling out her biology test. "Turns out you're a really good teacher."

"Congrats! I told you!" His smile is a reward all by itself.

He does tell her, repeatedly, how capable she is, and he did tell her how prepared for this test she was until she felt she could actually do it. He came to her house twice to tutor her after school, volunteering his time and effort.

"If it's not too much trouble, I'd appreciate your help with chemistry too."

"I'll come by after school today and we can get on that, but I can't stay long, cause I still have to finish that paper for World History that's due tomorrow."

"I still have to finish that too," Kim interrupts, trying to hide the blush that creeps into her cheeks as Adam sits down next to Jay.

"Look at us, no wonder we're losers. All we do is study. What happened to a good party now and then?"

"I want to go to the police academy, dude. I told you I need good grades."

"You have it all figured out," Adam sneers almost cynically, and takes a big bite of his sandwich.

"I didn't know you wanted to be a cop," Erin jumps in, before the boys can get into a fight. It's obvious Ruzek is in a bad mood for some reason, and though she's nobody's first choice of a mediator, she just doesn't feel like fighting after the great day she's having.

"A detective," he says with a grin, and she smiles back, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. She watches Hank every day, as he leaves the house with his gun on his waist, and his badge pinned to the jeans next to it. There is nothing she loves more than to listen to his stories at dinner—stories of how he helps people, saves them, brings justice to the city she loves despite the fact it never loved her back.

"My dad is a cop too," Adam says. "Too bad we can't switch. You could spend a day with him for that stupid assignment."

Erin inhales sharply. It's been a week and she still hasn't said anything at home. She figures she'll just spend a day at home with Camille, and be done with it. She doesn't see the point in asking Hank anyway. It's not like she can ever become a police officer with that record of hers.

The assignment is to spend a day with one of the parents at their job, and write an essay about what they learned, and if it's a career path they would like to pursue themselves.

"I'll go with my mom," Jay says. "I don't really want to be a nurse, but it beats being mocked by my dad the whole day." He doesn't talk about it much, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Jay doesn't have a good relationship with his dad. She has a feeling that he puts a lot of pressure on Jay—the pressure he's handling too well, so he must've gotten used to it by now.

She wants to offer support—comfort him in some way, but she can't quite bring herself to reach her hand across to his. It's a gesture too intimate, too loving, she thinks, and they're just friends.

Her mind wanders away, wondering what it would be like if she got this assignment when she was still living with Bunny.

 _A day in a life of a junkie. By Erin Lindsay._

* * *

There comes a time in the school day, when they all head home, and though Jay would never admit it, not even to himself, he lives for those moments. Of course every kid can't wait for school to end for the day, so they can run home and watch a new episode of Buffy, but for him it's a different reason. Because Adam lives very near to the school, and Kim lived in the other direction that they go, that means it's just Erin and him (and occasionally Will). He walks as slow as he can, and yet the ten-minute walk they have in common before they reach his house is always too short.

"I really do appreciate you helping me with biology," she murmurs softly. It's a beautiful day, and they've both slipped their jackets off. He can almost feel the spring, slowly, but inevitably, turning into summer.

"It's my pleasure," he says with a wink, because it is. Because he genuinely enjoys helping her. And because he loves seeing her slowly realize she's not some sort of a lost cause. If she pays attention and puts in the effort, she can get good grades just as much as everyone else. He still gets a feeling she's been told she's stupid for most of her life.

"Any plans for the summer?" She asks.

"Yeah, actually. Every year we go to my grandfather's cabin in Wisconsin. It's kind of boring, though there is a lake to fish and swim. But there is not a lot of people our age there, and Will gets annoying pretty fast." He chuckles, and she joins him, but something seems off.

"The whole vacation?"

"Almost." He knows now why she suddenly seems off. It will be the first year of high school that he actually has friends, and with that, he has somebody to miss all summer. And he's more than a hundred percent certain he is going to leave his heart here in Chicago.

Their friendship means a lot to Jay. Not just because she stood up for him that day in class, but because she was the first person to show interest in him. She asks about his grades, his interests, the books he's read. And he has just started to realize the feelings that he's grown for her lately. Unluckily for him, they're not exactly feelings of friendship, and he cares too much about her to mention anything. He knows that she is, as his brother likes to joke, way out of his league.

But the soft burning in his heart every time she throws her head back and laughs is not going away anytime soon, and there is nothing he can do about it.

So he suffers in silence, looking forward to their walks and their tutoring sessions.

* * *

Her day has been just perfect. Not only did Justin babble about the stupid assignment at breakfast, which ended up with Hank questioning her about why she hasn't said anything about it, which would inevitably turn into an argument if she weren't already late for school.

Her math test came back with a D, which isn't exactly an F, but it's not far from it. She can almost hear Hank nagging her about it, and with Jay helping her with three subjects already, it just doesn't seem fair to ask him if he can tutor her in math as well. It's like no matter what she does, she just can't get it right.

Besides all of that, she can't get the conversation with Jay out of her head. He'll be gone for almost three months, and at the mere thought she feels—well upset. And she has no idea why. It's not like she's in love with him or something.

He just happens to be the first person she wants to tell if something happens. She just happens to want to know every dumb detail about his day, and about the books he reads, and movies he watches. She pretty much doesn't care, as long as he talks, and she gets to observe the constellation of freckles spread across his face. She spends entirely too much time during their study sessions, studying his freckles while he explains stuff with his soft patient voice.

But the feeling of dread at the thought of summer without him doesn't seem to be going away. She gulps. Even if she did have some stupid feelings for him, which she doesn't, for the record, she's not good for him. Her past would probably have him running for the hills, if she ever told him about it. They've been friends, yes, but Erin hasn't dived into the details of her early life yet. He's too good to be spoilt by something as dark and twisted as her. And just because she got a fresh start, doesn't mean she can just erase the things she did. The things she's not proud of.

She's muttering something about the world conspiring against her, when her bag rips and all her bags fly onto the floor. Defeated, she leans over to pick them up, when a pair of black combat boots in front of her startles her to the bones. Because it's a pair she knows. She looks up, knowing what she's about to see.

"Charlie."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:Hi lovelies! I'm sorry for the little break, I had a trip planned to Belgium (which I absolutely enjoyed and came back renewed and full of ideas). But now school is starting and I should have more time to write. (hopefully).**

 **Fair warning: things are about to get real messy *evil laughter*. On a more positive note… it might bring certain two teenagers a bit closer. *wink*  
**

 **Enjoy! And if you do, for goodness sake, let me know!  
**

 **That said, I also want to thank all the beautiful souls who continue reading this story, who let me know how much they like it, and which parts they like the most. I love every single one of you. Never stop, and neither will I ;)**

* * *

"Hello, Erin. And here I was, thinking you forgot about me already."

How could she? He had a star role in all of her nightmares. He was the one part of her life she didn't make a clean cut with, and here he was, proving to her that that was a mistake. She gulps nervously. She doesn't think he'd hurt her, but they're alone, without anyone in sight, and at the end of the day, no matter how tough she is, she knows Charlie can take her.

"What do you want?"

"I think we both know what I want. This doesn't have to get ugly, Erin. Just give it to me, and I'm gone."

"You think I'm carrying it around? Are you stupid?"

"Do you think I'm stupid?" His voice remains calm, but his hand around her neck is enough to put the fear of God in her bones. Charlie is a big guy. Strong enough to snap her neck in a matter of seconds.

"The police took it. I don't have it anymore," she says, trying to keep her voice calm. She's telling the truth. When she called Hank that night, the night she thought she was going to die, she gave him all the drugs she had on her.

"Well, then I suggest you come up with a way to pay five grant, or I'm gonna make sure you do."

"You know I don't have that kind of money," she replies, collecting herself. Her voice is too calm now. It's a voice filled with hatred that she reserves for the people from her past. Charlie. Bunny. There are not many, but they manage to cause plenty of trouble, she thinks with her teeth clenched together. Every time when she thinks she's made it out.

"Well, you're a pretty girl." He traces his fingers down her cheek, making her shudder with disgust, knowing the words that he'll say next. "Earn it."

"Dream on."

"Food, heat, money… What's the difference anyway? Once a whore, always a whore."

"Is there a problem here?"

"Not at all," Charlie says with what can pass for a charming smile. "Just asking for directions. I think I'll manage to find it, thanks miss." With those words directed at Erin he turns and walks away, but not before sending her a warning glare.

"Are you okay?"

Erin nods, taking a better look at the kid who just saved her. She's almost certain she's seen him at school. "Thanks," she murmurs when she manages to find her voice.

"It just seemed like he was bothering you. We go to the same school, right? I'm Kelly."

"I'm Erin."

"I know who you are," he replies with a wink. "It was good meeting you, Erin Lindsay. Let me know if you got any other guys you want me to scare off." With that, he turns and walks into the same direction Charlie did just seconds ago, and she's left alone in the middle of the street, holding her ripped bag and a stack of books, with Charlie's words still echoing in her ears.

 _Once a whore, always a whore._

* * *

"I think you should talk to Erin, love."

He sighs, discarding his leather jacket, pressing a light kiss on her mouth. No matter how hard the case at work, no matter the things he sees out there, the people he looks in the eyes, seeing nothing but evil, it all disappears when he comes home to his family.

The family with the addition of the one person who could possibly be more troubled than he is.

"Is she in trouble?"

"I don't know what's going on with her. She came home and locked herself in her room, saying she had homework." She sighs against his cheek. "I don't understand. She's been making progress lately."

"Do you think it's the assignment that's bothering her?"

"I don't know. Maybe she's just a teenager."

"Moody™," he says with a chuckle, while she scolds him, but smiles anyway. "I'll go talk to her."

"Alright."

He walks upstairs, almost opening the door, before stopping himself and knocking. It has taken a while before Erin started to trust all of them, and the fact that her room is a place where her privacy is respected is a big factor in that trust. Until she gives him a damn good reason, he wouldn't break that trust.

"Leave me alone."

"Gladly, when we're done talking. And believe it or not, I'd rather not do this over the door."

He waits a couple of seconds, and there is a hesitant _Come in._ He knows she's just inviting him in to get rid of him, but it's better than slamming the door in his face. Which has happened before, more times he cares to count. Those first weeks were tough for all of them.

"What's up, kiddo?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

He decides to start with the matter they left unsettled at breakfast. "Why didn't you tell us about the assignment? Were you afraid of asking one of us?"

"No. I figured I'd just stay with Camille. Watch her paint."

"Or you could come with me, for a ride-along. Justin did last year."

"What's the point?" She asks, and he detects bitterness in her voice. It's the reason he decides to push the matter. He hasn't seen her like this in weeks, especially not since she started hanging out with those new friends at school. Her dimples have been on display countless times since, and since her grades have gone up, all of them embraced it.

"Have you given any thought to what you want to do after high school?"

"No."

"You're lying. I told you, I can spy a liar from a mile away."

"Why does it matter? I'm not the kind of person whose dreams and aspirations come true. Let's face it, I'm lucky if I'll make it through high school."

"That's not true." He looks in those hazel eyes now, and back stare the years of emotional neglect. It's almost as if he can see every person who's ever told her she wasn't good enough in that one look. "Is it astronaut?" He asks to defuse the tension between them, and sighs with relief when she finally chuckles and shakes her head. It's so difficult to get through to her sometimes. She has spent the better part of her life guarding herself from getting hurt, and not without reason. He knows it's hard for her to trust anyone.

"Let's imagine there is no restrictions," he starts. "If you could be anything, go to any school in the world?"

"I'd…" He waits for her to be ready. He sees the answer form in her eyes, and he waits for her to accept it, and get it out in the open. "I'd do what you do. But it's pointless. Because there are restrictions. And this is real life, and I'll probably end up being a waitress."

She looks away when she catches a glimpse of tears in his eyes. He has known for a while, even before that ride-along, that Justin isn't interested in a law-enforcement career. But here is this girl, whose entire life has been nothing but a struggle, and she's staring him in the eyes and telling him she wants to choose one of the most draining and least appreciated jobs, because of something he inspired.

And in that moment, he knows he will do whatever it takes to not kill the hope in her eyes.

"You just stay good, and get good grades. This is Chicago," he promises after a while. "Nothing is impossible." He sees the conflict—torn between knowing he doesn't make empty promises, and knowing that real life isn't a fairy-tale. "I'll arrange for you to come to a ride-along."

She nods.

"Is there something else bothering you?"

She looks at him, and for a moment it's as if he can see right through her. He prepares himself for the confession, but she shakes her head. "Nothing else."

He nods at the lie. She'll tell him when she's ready. "Dinner will be done soon. I think it's your turn to set the table."

* * *

She's never been good at handling her problems, so she thinks that sweeping most of them under the rug and pretending they're not there is a pretty good choice. She doesn't exactly plan to follow Charlie's suggestion, but she also has no idea where to get the money she owes him. Maybe if she waits it out, he'll get tired and move on.

She doesn't know what to do with the weird feeling in her stomach around Jay either, so she ignores it and hopes it will go away.

At least the assignment problem resolved itself. Quite successfully she thinks. The ride-along was fun and very educational. She likes the people Hank works with, especially Al. Al is the coolest in Erin's opinion. He's so calm and collected, and just chews his toothpick and says the coolest things. And the coolest thing is how he's not intimidated by Hank _at all._

Erin pretty much wants to be like Al when she grows up.

The mean desk-sergeant that put her into her place that last time she crossed the door handcuffed, was actually pretty nice to her. Not warm, no. That's not her thing. But nice enough for them to strike a resemblance of a friendship.

On top of that, she gets her very first A. It takes her by surprise, because she doesn't remember concentrating much during that study session. Not with Jay being mere inches away, and smelling so good. Her brain turned into mush, until he tapped the pencil against the book to return to present time.

"Penny for your thoughts," he said back then, and she smiled at him, because only if he knew, they would be worth so much more to him.

She's lost in thought now, taking a shortcut to Chemistry. It's her last class of the day, and the only class she has with Jay, so she thinks if she can get to the classroom a little early, they'll have time for more than a simple exchange of _hi._ But suddenly her world turns black and white.

"Jay!" She squats down to help him, but all she sees is red.

"I'm fine. Some guy got me. I'm fine."

"You need to go to the infirmary," she cries out, surprising herself at the desperate tone in her voice and the fear swallowing her whole. He's beaten to a bloody pulp. There is no way kids did this, she thinks. They're known to mess around, throw kids against the lockers here and there, but this is a whole other level. Either some kid has severe anger issues or…

"Who did this to you?" She whispers as they make their slow and torturous way to the school nurse.

"Some older guy. I haven't seen him before." He coughs blood. "Said he was sending a message." He doesn't say to who, but she knows. She knows by the way he's looking at her, that at some point, he'll put two and two together. He'll know the message is meant for her. And the message was loud and clear.

He makes up some stuff about falling down the stairs, and the nurse obviously doesn't believe him, because she calls his mom. Erin promises she'll stay with him, while the nurse tends to the two girls who also came in.

"You need to go to the hospital," Erin murmurs. "You need to get x-rays or something."

He fights her on it, but the strength needed for the argument evades him, as he slips out of consciousness. She watches him, the soft skin, that's never known real violence is purple with bruises—bruises she so often saw in the mirror herself. Sometimes because Bunny would be too high, and the hits she threw had double the strength. Charlie usually kept his temper in check, but when he was high, he could be a mean son of a bitch. Even more so, when he was craving a fix he didn't have.

Knowing the bruises on jay's skin are her fault kills her, but what kills her even more is that she feels so helpless against it. Against Charlie. Because no matter the badass she is, standing up for him in class, she can't really defend him from Charlie, especially not when he's drunk, or worse, high on dope.

She slips out seconds before his mom gets there, not having it in her to face her, even though she wishes to meet the incredible woman Jay's described to her. It makes her loathe herself even more, leaving him alone there, but the tears that run down her cheeks as she's walking away aren't just from self-loathing and desperation. There is something more. Something she's tried to deny, but can't, because it's undeniable, and more so now that her heart is breaking for him.

She knows one thing. She can't sweep Charlie under a rug no matter how much she wants to. She's just gonna have to deal with him.

* * *

She doesn't go home that day. Doesn't go back to the safe haven of the house she now calls home. Doesn't get there to kiss the cheek of the woman that showed her what being a mother means.

Instead she takes the subway to the other part of town. The part she remembers all too well.

There is another lose end she's left behind, and she knows she will never sleep at night if she doesn't check up on Annie. She feels partly responsible, even though Annie is older. Erin has always been the one taking care of them.

Walking on the sidewalk of her old neighbourhood brings out memories. Memories of being hungry. Cold. Alone.

She has to fix this.

He never locks his doors. She knows this, because she's come over to warm herself up countless times before. He never locks it, and that allows her to barge in in the middle of the day.

He's doing business, of course he is, she frowns, looking at the three tall guys standing up. The years of self-preservation tell her to run in the opposite direction, but she stands her ground with her head held high.

"Who is she? What's going on, man?" They get pack up their things in a hurry, almost sprinting out the door. Erin rises her eyebrows at Charlie, happy to know she interrupted the business transaction.

"You better have my money," he starts, "or this little stunt will cost you."

"I don't have your drugs, Charlie. And you're never going to see the money. What, did you think because you beat up some stupid kid at school, that I'll come running, begging for mercy?" Her own words sting her, probably more than they sting him, but she wills herself to go on. "I couldn't care less about any of them. They're just stupid teenagers."

His face falls when he realizes his bargaining chip just fell through. She can tell he's buying it from the look in his eyes. If there is one thing she picked up during her life on the street was the art of lying. Lying and bluffing.

But he's not giving up that easy.

She represses a shudder when he strokes her cheek. "You look good Erin. They must be treating you real good." She slaps his hand off of her skin.

"Better than you ever did."

"Oh, don't you play the victim. What we had was a mutually beneficial relationship."

Disgust overwhelms her. Looking back at it now, clean, it fills her with disgust. "Whatever helps you sleep at night." She doesn't bring up the fact that he used her. That he took advantage of the fact that she was a fifteen-year-old girl with nobody to take care of her. She doesn't mention how he made her an addict, or how he emotionally blackmailed her into being loyal to him.

"Well since of late, your friend Annie does."

"Stay away from Annie," she mutters. Her voice drops, and it scares even her, so she's not surprised he takes a step back.

"Hey, I only help her when Ricky takes it too far."

"Stay away from her, and stay away from me."

"I'll be sure to tell her you said _hi._ "

As she leaves, all she can think about is how this little trip didn't do much, except for fill her with even more dread.

* * *

Erin is so distressed because of the confrontation that she nearly forgets about Jay's attack, until she sees him next day at school. The feeling of guilt must be pretty clearly displayed on her face, because he keeps sending comforting glances her in English, until he pulls her aside after school to talk.

"Jay, I'm so sorry." The words come out before she can stop them, and she's surprised to find his hand reaching out to grab hers. His fingers feel warm against her skin, and soft as well.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he's quick to assure her, even though she doesn't deserve it. Against her will, her arm stretches out and touches the purple bruise softly. He closes his eyes at the touch, and keeps them closes until she drops her hand. Her fingers can still feel the warmth of his skin, and nothing she does can make it go away.

"This is all my fault," she admits. She just doesn't have it in her to lie to him any longer, because she feels the worst already, and she can see he's putting two and two together on his own. He's a smart guy after all.

"If you're in some kind of trouble, Erin, I can help. Just tell me what it is."

"It's nothing. Just ex-boyfriend drama," she says with a fake laugh. "Actually, I think it would be the best if you stayed away from me for a while." Or forever. Because she's not worthy of him. She never will be.

"No, Erin, don't do this. Let me help. I don't care about this."

"No. But you should." _She does._ "I'll see you around, Halstead."

* * *

She thinks about telling Hank. She thinks about it all the time. But it's not the way she's wired. For her entire life she's been on her own, building up defence walls to stay alive. She's used to taking care of herself, and the old self tells her that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and if Charlie sees her weak, he'll hit even harder. And he's already hit where it hurts the most.

Besides looking up at Hank, who has already done too much for her, who gave her a home, a family, makes her whole being shrink with an intense wave of shame that stops the words at the tip of her tongue from slipping out.

She tries her best to get Jay out of her head, excepting he'll come to his senses eventually, wanting nothing more to do with her. But she misjudges him. Badly.

He shows up at her doorstep, smiling at Camille when she opens the door. Erin can see a stack of books from where she sits in the kitchen, hearing something about studying for a history test. It's the first time that Camille tells them that they can go to her room if they need more peace and quiet, and Erin stares at him for a whole minute, before finally making her way up the stairs, motioning him to follow her. They usually studied at the dining room table, and until the moment she closes the door of her room, they've never been so completely alone.

"I thought we agreed it would be best for you to stay away from me," she murmurs, and he looks at her with exasperation.

"That's what you decided. I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions, thank you very much."

"I'll end up ruining your life," she tries, miserable, without real effort to make him leave. It's the last thing she wants. He has given her so much in these past couple of weeks; friendship that she's never known before; a sense of self-worth when his help resulted in better grades; even fun which wasn't really a part of her vocabulary before.

"It'll be worth it," he whispers. He edges his hand towards hers, until she can feel his fingertips brush her hand. She opens her palm, letting his fingers slip around hers, until the heat of his palm makes her feel safe and protected. "It's a risk I'm willing to take."

The damn stupid feeling in her stomach is there again, and the only explanation she has is that she's probably coming up with a flu. What else could explain her insides melting when he smiles at her?

He begins explaining the events that led up to the beginning of WWI, but all she can see is the countless freckles on his face, and all she can hear is the loud thumping of her heart—so loud, she's pretty sure he can hear it too.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Wow the level of angst in this. But to be fair, there is more than enough fluff in this, so I don't want complaining. And this chapter is extra long to make up for the fact that it took me forever to update.  
**

 **Disclaimer: I tried to make some sense out of Erin/Annie/Sandoval/Charlie tangle, but to be honest there is so much we don't know, and the timeline doesn't FUCKING AD UP (why am I still surprised), so I just sort of made some stuff up.  
**

 **I have realized how much Delena made me love porch scenes while writing this chapter. Just saying.**

* * *

"Hey, darling. How was work?"

"Work was work," he shrugs her off as always. The kiss that follows is a well-practiced habit that he hopes he never gets rid of. Camille knows a lot about his work, and yet there are still things he prefers her not knowing. Things that could spoil her sweet dreams at night, and he much prefers to carry that burden alone if it gives her some peace of mind. She is a part of innocence brought into his life, and though he knows she is always there to help, it's her innocence that keeps him sane.

"Where is Justin?"

"Somewhere around, I just saw him five minutes ago." She covers the baking tray and puts it into the oven.

"And our moody teenager?"

She smiles at the sudden feeling of love. When Erin first came to live with them, she took her in. She tolerated her. But she didn't understand what Hank saw in her. She knew he saw something, so she stayed patient. She trusted he must've had a good reason. So she did what moms do. She loved. She nurtured.

With time, she saw what he saw. She saw even more than that. And with time, the broken girl stole her heart completely. Now, she was like the daughter she always wanted, and her husband's use of a certain _our_ pronoun didn't cause her to flinch anymore. In a few short months, Erin has become as much part of this family as anybody else.

"She looked pretty much the same. I think something is still troubling her." He wishes he could erase the worry line from her face, but how, when they mirror his own? "Until Jay showed up to help her study."

He looks around the dining room where the study dates usually occurred. "You mean they're in her room? Alone?"

"They're just studying," she tries to calm him down. "Have you noticed her grades lately? She got an A last week! I'm not standing in the way. And neither are you!" She tugs on his jacket to stop him from storming into the room interrupting god-knows-what activities he has in his mind they're up to.

"I love you darling, but you're being unreasonable. And have you, or have you not asked me to always tell you when you're being unreasonable?"

He grunts in response.

"What's that dear? I didn't hear you?"

"Yes. I did."

"He seems like a very nice boy," she says with a strictness of a high school teacher. "You're not scaring him away."

"But—"

"I said what I said."

"I have never been happier to have been born as a boy," Justin mumbles, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl.

"Put that back, dinner is almost ready. You'll ruin your appetite," Camille scolds him, and he grins devilishly.

"For your cooking, mom? Never!"

She watches him go with fondness, murmuring something about growing boys and their appetite, before turning back to her husband. "Just wait until he starts bringing girls home."

"Oh god."

* * *

She's leaning on the side of the bed, trying to follow the words he's saying, when she hears the front door. It means Hank is home. It takes her down memory lane with the sudden rush of nerves. It took weeks for her to stop being nervous and edgy around him, but now when he comes through the door, she feels a wave of warmth. If she ever had a real father, she thinks this is probably how she would feel when he came home.

"What did your mom say?" She blurts out. "About the bruises?" He looks at her, and finally decides she isn't letting it go, so he sets the history book in his lap to reply.

"She didn't say much. She just hugged me a lot. Begged me to report whoever did it."

"Must be nice," she murmurs. "The hugging I mean. Not the beating part. Obviously."

"Yeah, she's the best."

"What did you tell her?"

"That I don't know who it was. Which is basically the truth."

"And your dad?" She's almost afraid of asking.

"Said I need to learn how to punch back."

"He might not be that wrong about it," she says, her dimples showing. "One day, I'll teach you."

"Cool," he replies, as if he's somehow unfazed by the fact that she knows how to throw a good punch.

"I know who it was," she whispers, after a brief silence. The smile forgotten. Tears threaten to spill over, so she keeps her chin down, looking at the floor. She hates the familiar feeling accompanying those words. _Shame._

He's about to say something, when they hear footsteps. Camille knocks, but comes in without the usual waiting for an invitation.

"Everything going alright?"

Erin nods, looking down at the books splattered all over the floor. Jay grins up and nods as well, earning one of Camille's golden smiles. It surprises Erin at time, how good of an actor he can be. The emotional conversation is long forgotten, as Camille chats with him.

"Jay, why don't you stay for dinner? You've been helping Erin so much with her studying, I feel I should at least feed you in return."

She holds her breath, but she knows what is about to happen. Nobody can say no to Camille. Not even Hank. So the next thing she knows, Jay is calling his mom to let her know he's staying for dinner, and she's setting the table, complaining it's Justin's turn.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't say no," he whispers, and she shakes her head, as if to say she doesn't have a problem with it.

"Nobody can." They finish setting the table together, Erin making sure they're sitting next to each other. She wonders if it's a bad idea, but the second option is sitting across from him, and she just doesn't think she can make it through entire dinner without choking whenever she looks into his eyes.

"I love the food Mrs. Voight. It's delicious."

"Glad to hear that, darling."

Voight seems uncomfortable with so many teenagers at the table and Justin grins at his direction, before turning his attention to their guest.

"So, Halstead. Where'd you get the bruises?"

"Justin!" Erin intervenes almost at the same time Camille sends a nasty look in the direction of her son. But Hank doesn't look like he minds the question. He looks at Jay rather expectantly, as if he's waiting for him to answer the intrusive question.

Jay mumbles something about falling down the stairs, and it's obvious nobody believes him, but Erin finds his hand under the table, squeezing softly in sign of reassurance. He eyes her gratefully before going back to his plate.

"So, Jay. Any special plans for the summer?" Hank finally asks, trying to make up for his son's question.

"Actually, yes. Spending the entire summer in Northern Wisconsin with my family, sir. My grandfather has a cabin up there."

"Oh, that's nice. Didn't we used to go up there when Justin was little, Hank? That small cabin was perfect," Camille almost gushes, while Erin feels sick at the thought of spending almost three months without her new best friend. It's funny how quick you become to depend on someone, when you were perfectly fine alone months ago.

"It was nice," Hank remembers.

"We could go," Justin is all for it, which surprises Erin, because he hasn't been willing to separate himself from video games that much lately. "You know, show Erin what it's like there."

"That's a nice idea," Camille welcomes it. She shoots a look to her husband who seems to be very interested in Jay. Justin, of course, is not done with his quota of awkward questions for the evening, and the next one has Erin thinking asparagus will the last thing she ever eats.

"So, are you and Erin like dating?"

He's cute when he blushes, she notices. His freckles stand out even more.

"We're just friends," she explains on his behalf, and is it just her, or does he look disappointed? And does he gaze at her briefly when their legs briefly brush against each other underneath the table during desert?

The rest of the dinner passes uneventfully, and after Hank offers to drive Jay home, since the sun has set, and the darkness is not far behind. Erin lingers on the doorway until Hank says he'll get the car started, throwing a wary look at her direction.

Before she can think about it, or change her mind, she wraps her arms around him, inhaling the now-already-familiar scent of his shower gel and laundry detergent his mom uses. "Thank you."

And she's not thanking him for helping her study.

It's for never giving up on her, even when she deserved it.

* * *

"So… you and Jay?"

If she stares at her cereal long enough maybe Camille and her awkward question will both go away. But it doesn't work. Damn Justin for having an early class. Damn school for starting late for her that day. Damn Camille for being nosy.

"He's helping me study," she replies, holding her chin up. Her leg bounces restlessly underneath the table, and her nails dig into her palms. She's not ready to have this conversation.

"It just seemed there was a little bit more there."

It's not a question, but a statement which requires an answer nonetheless.

"It'll go away."

"What will go away?"

"This, whatever it is that I _feel."_ She almost spits out the last word, suddenly angry at herself. "This feeling in my stomach. My legs turning to mush. I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh, honey. I don't think it works that way."

Erin shakes her head, picking up her bag. She rushes out of the house, her bowl of cereal basically untouched. And that from a girl who hasn't stopped eating since she got there.

"Alright, what is up to you today? You're somewhere in the clouds."

"He's in loooove."

Jay shoots a dagger at Will, causing his mom to go into mediator mode between them. Sometimes he feels that's all she ever does, mediate fights between his dad, Will and himself.

"I'm not in love."

Will raises his eyebrows, soon joined by their mom, who places her hands on her hips. She gives him an expectant look, and he sighs. "Maybe a little bit."

"Let me guess. This girl you've been tutoring? Wait you have been tutoring her right? Do we need to have a talk?"

"Mom! Yes, I've been tutoring her, and that's all we've been doing, and no, ew, once was quite enough thanks."

"I second that motion," Will chuckles, and they all laugh. It's a relaxed morning for all of them, because Pat left early for work. There is always more tension when he's at home. But their mom always makes time to share breakfast with them before rushing to get them to school, and herself to work.

"You should bring her by sometimes. I would love to meet her."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Is she pretty?"

Jay pretends he didn't hear this question, but unlucky for him, he has the nosiest brother in the world. "She's gorgeous," Will rats out despite the hard kick that Jay sends his way. "Worth it."

"You boys need to get along!"

"We do," Jay says with a grin. Despite their differences and their unstoppable bickering, he loves his brother as much as a teenage boy can. "It's just a way of expressing fondness."

"Well then," she smacks the back of his head gently. "That means I love you." They burst into loud laughter that echoes around the house long after they leave.

* * *

"My brother is the worst," Jay complains, sitting down at the table. It's the rush hour, so he's glad they got there before him, reserving the spot.

"Tell me about it," Erin replies, remembering the awkward evening they had to spend together last night. Their eyes meet, making her feel like they're some sort of allies. It's a nice feeling.

"I don't have a brother," Kim grins at lunch. "I have a sister that's the best."

"I'm an only child," Adam says with a big smile.

"Nobody likes a bragger," Erin mutters, but grins anyway. It amazes her how easily her friends can make her feel better. _Her friends._ Something she never had before. She knows she would do whatever to protect them. To protect _him_.

"Hey, I was gonna mention, we can't study at my place tomorrow, cause Camille is having some people over. Maybe we can go to the library."

"Or you can come to my place," he mentions casually. And before she even thinks about it, she nods between bites.

* * *

"Erin, sweetie, I think we should finish the conversation we had this morning." Camille corners her the minute she comes home, and the only good thing is that nobody else is home yet, because Justin has detention.

She wishes she could storm upstairs, lock herself in her room and never speak to anyone again, but the feeling of debt makes her sigh, throw her bag on the floor nonchalantly, and look at Camille.

Camille pauses, picking her next words carefully. "I realize that in your life you haven't seen many examples of love. Especially pure love. But being in love is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. Especially if it's returned."

"Yeah, well, I don't deserve to feel it. Especially not from him. He's too good. I'll just mess up his life. Besides I've seen what love can do to people, and I'll pass." Her stubbornness returns, raising her chin even higher.

"If you've made it clear to him who you are, and where you come from, I believe it's his choice to make," Camille replies to the first point she made. "And love doesn't always ruin you." Erin looks at her, for the first time really thinking about the words coming out of her foster mother's mouth. She thinks about Hank and Camille, and how he presses a gentle kiss on her lips every time he gets home. She thinks about how she has seen them laugh in the kitchen, and him playfully slapping her ass when they went up the stairs (she pretends not to notice that nauseating one). But she does notice.

And despite the fact that Erin is a teenager, set by default to defy everything the adults are saying, she sees the point Camille is trying to make. But what she can't tell her, is that she can't show Charlie how much she cares about Jay, or the next time he's not only going to beat him.

And another thing echoes in her mind, as Camille finally releases her, and she can make true her former fantasy of slamming the door of her room behind her. She hasn't exactly made it clear to him who she is. Suddenly, she realizes that she knows quite a lot about Jay, but Jay still knows next to nothing about her.

It's her fault. She hasn't exactly been in a sharing mood, taking advantage of Jay not pushing her to talk about her past. But it's not fair. He deserves to know.

* * *

Jay lives in a pretty little house. Erin loves the white colour, contrasted by the green shutters and the green fence. The small porch looks cosy—it makes her want to sit, and watch the street for hours next to Jay.

"Just ignore my brother," he almost begs, and her lips spread into a smile. She knows how to handle teenage boys. It's the non-teenage boys that she has problems handling.

They set their things down by the table; Erin pulling out books, while he gets them glasses of water. "I like your place," she says, because it's polite, and because she means it. He blushes and murmurs a thank you, focusing on the books.

But he keeps getting distracted by the way her hair falls over her ear, curling at the ends, or the way she bites the inside of her cheek when she's trying to focus hard. He almost welcomes his mom and Will coming home.

And when he introduces her to his mom, he's surprised to see that Erin Lindsay, despite all her badass persona, has a shy side. It's the moment he realizes how downplayed his answer was to his mother's question. He's not 'only a little' in love. He is completely and irrevocably in love with Erin, and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

* * *

"Could we talk?" She asks with a whisper when they're leaving school the next day. He nods, joining her on the sidewalk. They face each other at first, but she can't look him in the eyes and say this, so she starts walking and hopes he'll follow her. He does.

He's wondering what this is about. At first, he even dares to hope that maybe, by some strange way of life, she feels the same, but the conversation isn't quite what he thinks it will be.

"The guy that beat you, was sending me a message. I used to… I don't know how to define it. I guess you could say he was my boyfriend."

His eyes widen, but he doesn't say anything. He's never felt his lack of experience more than in that moment. Of course she's had boyfriends. He just doesn't like thinking about that.

"I was mixed up in some pretty bad stuff," she admits, though doesn't elaborate. "And now he won't let me move on."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you're my friend." She doesn't see his flinch at that word. "Because you deserve to know. And I need you to know that I wish I could make this better, and that I hate you got mixed into my drama."

"Hey, it's okay." He stops, and pulls her to a halt. They're close—too close. For a second she thinks he's going to kiss her, and in that moment, she knows she wouldn't be able to stop him, or say no. His eyes look bluer than ever—like two comets, travelling the space. His hand reaches out, and she doesn't realize she's crying until his thumb brushes away the tear trickling down her cheek.

She curses under her breath, spotting the familiar figure in the distance. He must've memorized her route home. Instinctively, she steps in front of Jay to shield him from the man who's been haunting her lately and from the way Charlie is looking at him. But deep down she knows she can't keep doing this much longer. It's not just about her anymore, it's affecting the people she cares about.

"I just, I need a little break from this—us, until I can figure it out." She decides on the spot that in order to protect him, she has to hurt him—push him as far away, as she can. He opens his mouth—probably to object, but she's faster. "I've got enough other complications in my life," she continues, pulling her bitch face from the depths. She hasn't called on her in a while. It makes her sick, making him feel like he's just another worry, a complication for her. "I'd appreciate if you respected that." He looks confused at her formal tone, rejected, broken even. She swallows her tears.

She wishes she could crumble in front of him, admitting she dreamed of him long before he came into her life. How she dreamed of a boy that would look at her like he does.

A minute passes—the longest minute of her life. He doesn't say a word, but finally nods. She thinks she'll never get the sound of his sneakers hitting the sidewalk as he walks away from her. Away, where he'll be safe, but still—away.

"You following me now?" She mutters at Charlie, who approaches her after Jay leaves.

"Well, I don't have your phone number," he grunts. "Though I'm enjoying this display of young unrequited love, Annie is in trouble. You need to go see her."

Her heart stops. Everyone knew Ricky was treating Annie horribly, but that girl was blind, and so addicted to drugs nobody could make her see reason. She runs, runs to the subway, away from Charlie, away from her new life.

As if she could ever really move on.

* * *

"I didn't—I didn't mean to." Annie's body shakes with sobs, and Erin knows she should hold her, make her feel better, but all she can do is stare.

She has seen a dead body before. But not this close. Her stomach turns and she regrets the sandwich she had for lunch that day. It doesn't feel real, or like it's happening to her. Annie is crying on the floor, and Charlie got there five minutes ago—gloating.

"We're gonna fix this," she murmurs. "It's gonna be okay."

This morning when she woke up, her biggest concern were her confused feelings for Jay. Two hours ago, her biggest concern was the look in Jay's eyes, and wondering if he'll ever look at her the same way again after she broke his heart.

Now, she has to deal with a panicked friend, a dead body, and a dangerous ex-boyfriend who could make her go to jail for the rest of her life.

Nobody said high school was easy.

* * *

"You know what you just did makes you an accessory to murder right?" Charlie asks, and she wonders how she could have ever trusted him—been loyal to him. She doesn't bother leaving the room to change the bloody t-shirt. He's seen it all before anyway.

She pulls Annie's sweater over it, searching for any blood traces on her skin, but she's scrubbed it all off. "Say one word, and I'll make sure you'll be sorry for it."

"I wouldn't make threats if I were you, Erin. The way I see it, I pretty much own you."

But she didn't get her life back on track so he would own her, and she sure didn't just dump a body into the river, so he could screw up Annie's life. So she does the only thing she can think of.

Going home, she's prepared to deal with the anger, but instead she's met with worry. Hank is angry, though, boiling almost. But he still pulls her into a hug when he sees she's unharmed, before demanding to know where the hell she has been.

So she tells Hank the redacted version of the truth. How Charlie has been following her, demanding drugs she had on her when he offered her a home and she came with him. Hanks eyes soften as she mentions Charlie was the one to beat up Jay. "It's okay. You don't have to worry about it anymore."

She lets the warmth of her embrace, and the strength of his promise be enough. She cries herself to sleep that night and swears she'll never cry about it again.

* * *

She's grounded. It's ironic, really. She's never had anyone who cared for her enough to ground her. In a way, she's almost enjoying it. She got grounded before, when she started living with the Voights, but she was still too bitter, too cynical to appreciate what it meant. Bunny never grounded her. She never cared enough.

Her life in the next few weeks consists of school and home. Her friends give her odd looks, but she knows they know enough, because their looks are accusatory. Jay doesn't try to make contact and she knows she hurt him badly.

Her grades fall, but she's determined not to let her hard work go to waste. For the first time ever, she passes all her classes with a grade higher than a D, and it's all thanks to her tutor.

The day she brings home her report card, they unground her. It doesn't make any difference. It's not like she has anywhere to go. At least now she won't have to go to school anymore for two months, and pretend she doesn't notice how people keep staring at her for being alone again.

Then one evening, Kim shows up at her door.

"Listen, I don't know what went down with you guys. Jay is surprisingly tight-lipped about it. But I miss my friend."

"I thought… I thought you didn't want anything to do with me after I hurt Jay."

"That was not nice of you. That guy adores the earth you walk on. What was even less nice, was you pushing us all away."

"I'm sorry."

Kim forgives her with an eye roll and they hug it out on the porch, until Kim pulls away. "Oh, I forgot why I came. Jay is leaving tonight. School is over, so they're going to the cabin in Wisconsin. It's your last chance to say goodbye."

"He doesn't want to see me." She shakes her head. She goes back to that afternoon all the time. The look in his eyes haunts her.

"He's in love with you, of course he wants to see you."

She starts shaking her head, but stops in the middle, looking at Kim. Her being is overwhelmed by the need to see him, to shout an apology under his window if necessary.

"Tell Hank I had to go."

She runs. Blocks and streets all blend together, as her feet hurt, but she keeps running. Because for the first time in her life, she's running towards something, and not running from something.

He's carrying his things to their car, when she arrives, gasping for breath. His eyes shine with hope, but she sees he nips it in the bud, never letting it grow. She did that to him. He looks at her expectantly, waiting for her to say why she's there.

"You're the best tutor," she murmurs, passing him her report card that she grabbed from the table before leaving. She sees his lips tug upwards a little, against his will.

"And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you away, when all I wanted to do was protect you." His mouth parts, suddenly understanding her reasons. "I'm sorry you got beaten up because of me. I'm sorry for making a big mess of your life. I did warn you I was bad news, right?"

"You did."

"Please tell me I haven't lost you forever," she begs.

Their eyes meet, and for a minute she thinks he'll tell her to leave, but then he shakes his head. "Don't be so melodramatic," he replies after a second with an eye roll, and she grins between tears. He pulls her into a hug, and it seems like so long ago that she hugged him that night on the porch.

"But promise me, no more pushing away."

"I promise." Her words are muffled by his shoulder. She doesn't mention she has a terrible record at keeping promises, because she firmly intends to keep this one. Then he lets her go, and she looks up at him, their shoulders brushing lightly. She has to step on her tip-toes to reach him, as she pulls his face down until their lips finally touch.

After he gets over the initial surprise, she feels his lips moving on hers.

It might be five minutes, or three hours, or several days that they stand there on the porch, their lips touching, but when they finally break apart she understands why people have fought wars over this. It's the most powerful feeling in the world—unlike anything she's ever felt.

Their noses bump, which brings smiles to their faces, but nothing can ruin this. Their foreheads press together, as if they wanted to breathe each other in. Then they need to go, and she's watching him slip through her fingers.

He leans over, promising he'll send a postcard, and then he's gone, and she's walking home with a mixture of sadness and ridiculously happy face. Her entire life she thought not letting love in made her strong, and now she's starting to think that letting it in might make her even stronger.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: A certain scene in this chapter is inspired by the web series The Commute, which I highly recommend (thanks Ale!) It's inspired by the 4** **th** **episode, called The Swimming Lesson. There is also just a bit of dialogue I sort of picked from Outlander.**

 **If you think certain things happen too fast, remember they're two horny teenagers, and none of them are saints so….**

* * *

No summer has ever lasted so long.

Even though her days are anything but workless, since Hank got her a summer job at his precinct (where he can keep an eye on her). She works in the archive, doing some pointless filing job, but for the first time in a long time, she has her own money.

So she doesn't complain, and even sucks up waking every morning during break. It's not like she ever had a true summer vacation before. She would spend the hot days getting into one trouble after the next, and she knows this is the better alternative.

Besides, it's really not that bad. The people at the precinct are nice, and even the though-to-break desk sergeant came around. They struck a sort of comradery, and Erin actually enjoys chatting with the woman. It's how she wants to be someday, fearless, unstoppable. And it beats mowing lawn, which is what Justin is stuck doing.

But even though she will never admit it, she lives for the postcard days. The first one arrived soon after Jay left, and she fell asleep holding it the first day, hating herself for how cheesy he makes her.

She found a bunch of Chicago to send back, wittily writing on the card, that it's to make sure he doesn't forget what the city looks like.

It goes back and forth like this, and she gets one every time they go into two for supplies, though by what he's told her of the cabin, it's pretty remote. They enjoy living with the nature, or something like that.

She hangs out with Kim sometimes after work, because her friend is in a similar position. She got a job at a diner, waiting tables, but Adam has gone overseas with his parents, and they've left things in not such a good place. Now Kim stresses every day about how Adam might be getting to know some beautiful Spanish Morena, and Erin is wondering what the kiss meant, if it meant anything, because neither of them have mentioned it ever since.

But the postcards come without fail, and the summer slowly moves forward, until the day she receives the news.

"Wait, we can really go?"

"Yes, really. Stop jumping. Hank and I have thought about it ever since Justin mentioned that cabin we used to go to. It will be nice to go again."

"I need some clothes," Erin says with excitement. She has never left Chicago before, and this surprise is making her uncharacteristically cheerful. All about her teenager moodiness is forgotten, when she's going to see a new place, and see her best friend.

"I did some shopping, you can check the bags and if there is anything you don't like, or doesn't fit, we can take it back and exchange it."

She rummages through the bags, silently approving everything Camille bought. It seems almost incredible to Erin that Camille figured out her style pretty fast and has been faithful to it anytime she buys her clothes.

Her face drops when she comes to a certain item of clothing, her expression sad all of the sudden. It's something she's never own before, because there was never a need to—a swimming suit. It wasn't exactly on the list of priorities for Bunny to teach Erin how to swim, and they didn't exactly have a pool by the house like some people do.

But she really shouldn't let that ruin this, so she mutters something about trying this on, and disappearing into the bathroom. Apparently, she's gotten quite good at pretending too, because Camille doesn't seem to suspect a thing.

She stares into the mirror now, observing a nice one-piece swim suit. It's cut very modestly, but even she has to admit it looks good on her. Her body has changed in the past couple of months, the bones replaced by some curves. She looks less like a girl, and more like a woman. Her eyes, in particular, tell a tell of how mature she has to be for her age.

Silently, she takes off the swimsuit, knowing she won't get a chance of wearing it, without fear of drowning. Yelling out that everything fits, she wonders if their cabin will be close to Jay's, and if Wisconsin is actually too big for her to find him.

* * *

"Are you sure there was nothing at the post office?" He asks his dad for the second time.

"Yes, I'm sure. No postcards. Sorry, kid."

He closes his mouth mid-sentence, his shoulders slouching. The disappointment is inevitable at this point, because he has gotten used to her messy handwriting, and quip remarks. They never mentioned the kiss that happened right before he left, but he can't wait for the summer to be over, so they can talk about it.

And more often than not, he misses her. He misses her like he has never missed a person before—like there is a part of him missing when she's not next to him. He misses her smile, even the moments when she'd get all serious all of the sudden. He misses how her hair fell over her ear when she looked down at a book.

"I talked to Marcus," his mom mentions, and he wonders why she thinks this is relevant to him. Marcus is the guy that owns three other cabins and rents them over summer. "He said there are two families coming, so you might get some company."

Probably some babies, he thinks. Surely nobody he can spend time with.

But oh, how wrong he is.

* * *

She steps out, looking around curiously. It feels good to stretch her legs after hours of being stuck in a car, because Hank wanted to make it before nightfall. She understands why, now, when she looks around, and there is nothing but trees and nothingness. It's amazing.

The smell around her is unlike anything she's ever experienced before—trees and dirt and fresh air. It's been five minutes, and she already loves it.

Because they can't take their car all the way to the cabin, they load up with their stuff and carry it. She sees that Justin loves it, and Hank and Camille both seem happier, somehow lighter. It's one of those moment she doesn't exactly feel like a part of them, and yet at the same time, feels like she belongs nonetheless. Like she doesn't have to be their biological family to belong, and like things are exactly how they're supposed to be.

The cabin is not big, and she volunteers to sleep on the couch, so Justin can take his regular room.

"That was really nice of you," he says when Hank and Camille head to the bedroom to load off.

"It's not a big deal." She doesn't mention that even this couch looks much more comfortable than any bed she had before she came to live with them. It seems like a waste of time to ponder about the past. He volunteers to show her around, and she readily agrees, taking something from her bag before they go.

"It's that one," he points, laughing when she looks at him surprised. "I asked around."

"Thanks," she murmurs, her cheeks burning red.

"You like him, and he seems like a good guy. You deserve a good guy," he says simply, and she feels overwhelmed suddenly. It's one of those rare moments when feelings become too much, and before she can compose herself, she gives him a quick hug.

"Thanks, Justin."

"Anytime, sis. Now go see if he's here, I've got my own chick to find."

She knew there was another reason he wanted to come, besides just nature. Rolling her eyes at him, she checks the cabin he showed. It's a good walk from theirs, pretty isolated, and it seems like there is nobody there. They're probably out hiking, or at the lake she saw on the way.

Stricken with an idea, she pushes the postcard into a crack in the wood at the door, hoping it's visible enough for him not to miss it, and then she slowly heads back, enjoying the quiet and alone time.

* * *

"Oh, look what I've got!" Will exclaims, holding up the postcard. Jay almost tackles him to the ground in an attempt for his brother not to read it, and they both freeze when their father yells at them to stop fighting.

Will reluctantly lets go of the postcard, and watches Jay's face drop in confusion. Then a little spark of hope lights up his eyes, and he briefly tells his mom that he's taking a walk.

He makes his way to the place written on the postcard, almost falling over a root, because he can't be bothered to look where he's walking.

Then he sees her, sitting on the steps leading up to the cottage, and he knows exactly when she sees him, because her face get illuminated by one of her special smiles.

"I can't believe you're really here," he murmurs when she reaches him, and he wraps his arms around her. He doesn't really know where things stand between them, but the last time she saw him she kissed him, so he figured a hug is a safe option, but then they're kissing anyway and he doesn't even know who leans in first. In contrast to their first kiss, they have all the time now, to explore with their lips and appreciate the moment.

"How long as you staying?" He finally asks after they pull apart.

"Like a week I think. I'm not sure how much vacation days Hank got."

"I'm glad you're here. I was super disappointed when there was no postcard."

She chuckles. "Well I knew I was coming and I wanted to surprise you. Justin showed me which cabin is yours."

"You have to come to the lake tomorrow. Will is going to sleep till like 10 probably, but then we can go swimming together. And you can bring Justin too."

Her eyes dart to the floor. "Uhm, sure. We'll see." She should have known she can't get away with it. And if she doesn't go into the lake, they'll label her as a spooked girl or something.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"I can't come to the lake," she admits, and wishes his face didn't fall as much as it does. "Because I can't swim."

He smiles. "Oh. That makes sense. I thought you didn't want to. Okay so, sunrise is around 5.30, so if you come down I can teach you before anyone wakes up."

"Just like that?"

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about. You just didn't have any opportunities to learn, and I taught some kids last year, so I'm pretty good at showing."

"Okay," she agrees, jumping when she hears Camille call out for her to come eat. "I'll meet you there at like 5.30. Do I need to bring anything?"

"A towel," he whispers, pressing a kiss on her lips before heading back to his cabin—his mood more than improved. "And don't get lost," he calls out, before she heads inside.

* * *

She didn't think about it when he offered, but she sure has to think about it now. At some point he'll probably have to touch her, and she's wearing nothing but a thin swimming suit. It doesn't really bother her, but she can tell he's a bit embarrassed, because this is definitely different from teaching kids how to swim. And aside from two kisses they haven't really done anything else.

They start with a starfish float, something easy according to him, but she's kind of terrified. "Keep your arms and legs separated, and let your body feel weightless. Tummy in, chin up." He demonstrates and makes it look like the easiest thing in the world.

The water is lukewarm, but it's still pretty chilly outside, causing her skin to be covered by goose bumps. Because it seems easy enough she lays back into the water and tries it, sinking like a stone.

He laughs, asking if she's okay while she's spitting out water.

"I don't think this is for me." She starts wading out of the lake, but he catches her arms.

"Not so fast. Let's try again. I'm gonna help you this time." His eyes tell her that he means, it, so she softly lays back in the water again, feeling his arms support her back. It feels nice, she thinks, when the early sun shines on them, and she sees the sky above before closing her eyes.

"Now relax, you're too tense. Describe the clouds to me, what shapes do you see?"

"A house."

"Yeah, what else?"

"An apple."

"Wow, yeah, I see that. And you know what? You're floating."

She looks at him, noticing he's standing two steps away, not holding her anymore.

"I'm floating!" She smiles so warmly, it melts his insides. "This is fun." He joins her, and they just float there for a little while, until she tells him to teach her more. She finds she enjoys being in water, and she loves the growing sense of comfort between them. He's a great teaches, because by the end of their 'lesson' she can pretty much swim without a problem.

At some point, she finds the opportunity to wrap her wet arms around his neck and pull him down for a kiss. Erin loves kissing him. It's not like it's her first kiss or even a second or a third. In fact, it must be a much larger number of kisses, but none of them so pure. Sometimes she feels that something as damaged as her should never even touch him, but his lips are so soft she finds she can't help herself.

It's not like he has anything against it. Especially when her body presses against him, because he groans and deepens the kiss, and for someone who hasn't had a lot of experience with girls, as he says, he kisses extraordinarily well.

So well that she feels the familiar feeling in her lower stomach that signals arousal, and what makes it worse is when she realizes he's in a similar position. She breaks the kiss, gasping for air, taking a step back. It's not like they can have sex in the middle of the lake where anyone could see them, and it's better to stop before things get too hot and heavy.

"I should go back for breakfast," she tells him, and he nods, thankful for the cold water.

"Will you come later?"

"I'll be here," she promises, grinning. Pressing one last kiss on his lips, she wades out of the lake, picks up the towel and then she's gone.

* * *

It turns out the only person awake is Camille, and she's preparing breakfast. Without a second though, Erin pulls on a pair of shorts and sets out to help her, earning a strange look but no complains.

"You were up early. Where did you go?"

Erin blushes just a little, wondering if she should tell the truth, but one of the deals she made with Hank when she came there was no lies, and swimming with Jay seems harmless enough.

"Jay was teaching me how to swim."

"Oh, that's nice of him. Was the lesson successful?"

She blushes even more, remembering that last kiss, and the bulge in his swimsuit.

"I'd say so."

"Have you thought some more about the feelings you have for him?" As always, nothing gets past Camille.

"I guess," she says, munching on a piece of toast. "I still don't feel good enough for him. He doesn't know about my past yet."

"Oh, you sweet girl. Come here." She pulls her into a messy hug, and Erin inhales the scent of flour and baking on her with gratitude. Why couldn't Camille have been her mom? Why couldn't she grow up to be less broken? "You were deprived of real love for so long in your life, you deserve it in buckets. Jay doesn't strike me as a guy who'd get deterred by something so out of your control as your upbringing. He didn't run away when that whole Charlie thing happened."

Hank must have told her about that, because she didn't tell her Charlie was the one who beat Jay. Erin almost hates the way it sounds so logical. "That's true."

"He's in love with you. It's in his eyes."

Erin smiles against her will. The thought of someone, someone like Jay, being in love with her makes her stomach rise. A lot like … butterflies? She doesn't realize that's all the confirmation Camille needed to know Erin is in love with Jay as well. She might not know it yet, but she'll soon realize it.

* * *

"Are we there yet?"

"Almost, watch your step." He's holding her firmly, so even if she tripped, he'd be able to catch her without a problem. Jay insisted on taking her _out,_ which literally means out in this case. It feels like a date, it has since he's asked her, and she doesn't know what she thinks about that, but gasps when he shows her a little spot next to the water. He has a picnic basket too, and a good thing, because she's as hungry as a bear. The fresh air and all-day activities make her hungry and tired at the end of the day, but she's enjoying it more than she thought she would.

"This is nice," she comments, sitting on the blanket he lays out.

"Well, all that kissing, I figured you deserve to be taken on a date too."

"So this is a date?"

"Well if you want it to be, yes."

"I've never been on a date before," she confesses. "It's nice."

"But you've had boyfriends." He doesn't phrase it like a question, and he doesn't say it with judgement in his voice, rather saying it with curiosity. She hasn't shared much from her past yet, and she realizes it might not be date talk material, but she starts explaining and before she realizes she tells him most of her story. How she grew up, how Voight arrested her for possession and solicitation, how he gave her a chance when she needed one. She tells him about Charlie and how loyal she was to him (leaving out the part about getting rid of that body). She even tells him bout her mom, and what a shitty person she is.

"So, that's me. If you want to run in the opposite direction, now is the time, because I don't have the energy to fight this anymore."

"Good," he murmurs, "cause I'm not going anywhere. He leans in for a kiss—one of the first times he initiates it, walking his lips over hers lazily. And she responds, wrapping her arms around his neck pulling him closer. She stops fighting then, stops holding back, because somehow he knows, and he still wants her. So she deepens the kiss, allowing him to pull her in his lap.

That's when her hands slip underneath a t-shirt he's wearing, enjoying the feel of his warm skin underneath her fingertips. This gives him courage to do the same, exploring her body somewhat hesitantly until she moans into his mouth, moving her hips in seek of friction.

It goes too far, leaving them both dizzy and breathless when they finally pull apart.

"I'm not very good at this," he admits after the passion simmers down a notch, and she's stroking his face, tracing the freckles with her fingers.

"You could have fooled me. Besides, it's my turn to tutor you," she adds with a giggle. Her lips press against his neck softly.

"It doesn't bother you? That I'm inexperienced?" She lays her head onto his shoulder, letting out a sigh.

"Does it bother you that I am?"

There is a silence after that, as if he's trying to choose his words carefully. "It doesn't. It's a part of who you are, and I wouldn't have you any other way."

"Then you have your answer as well."

* * *

 _He sucks on her neck, making her moan with pleasure as his hands explore her skin. Throwing her top on the floor he hums with admiration, kissing his way down to her breasts._

 _"Yes," she moans, as her bra lands on the floor as well, his mouth leaving a delicious trail of kisses down her stomach, until he reaches the hem of her jeans. Looking up, she nods furiously, and he unzips them and starts pulling down. She shimmies to help him get them off, her hips bucking up, obviously searching for something._

 _She feels his fingers linger, slowly slipping inside as he rubs her just the right way._

 _"Shit, yes. Please."_

Erin is startled awake by some noise in the kitchen, and she buries her head in the pillow, desperate for air. It's been a while since she's had a dream like this, and it's definitely the first time she's had it about him, but she wonders now, a lot more often, how it would be with him.

It's just Justin getting some water, and he leaves, so she's hoping she didn't say anything in her dream (or moan for that matter).

It takes her forever to fall back asleep, thinking about how much she misses that sweet release sex offers, and how much she doesn't miss the dirty feeling that always comes after. But still, something inside her tells her that with him, it's going to be different, and that alone is worth the wait.

Hank corners her in the morning, asking her if he should be having a talk with her about safety and responsibility. She blushes fiercely, assuring him she has it covered, and escapes to the lake, before he can grill her more.

It's their last full day there, after a week and a half, and she spends all of it with Jay, and even his mom joins them. Erin is sure that Hank and Camille are enjoying in the quiet moment without them to interrupt. She's been surprised at how much freedom they gave her here, and she's sure Camille said something to Hank, about letting her do her own thing. And she's grateful. It allows her to connect with Jay some more, get to know Will and connect to Justin.

In honour of Erin's departure, they organize a small bonfire in the evening with his mom providing some food and alcoholic beverages, so the kids can have some fun before parting.

They all gather around it, though Will leaves pretty soon, and at some point, she realizes Justin and his girl have disappeared as well—probably searching for a quiet place to neck some more. Between them, they have a silent agreement to stay out of each other's business, so she doesn't rat on him, and he doesn't rat on her.

She doesn't mind being alone with Jay, especially since they're sitting on a log, and he puts a blanket around them both. They don't speak forever, looking at the fire move, not daring to think about the morning.

"I'll send some more postcards," he promises, but nothing can alleviate the pain of leaving again, after spending the best time together. She pouts, and he tries to make her laugh, succeeding with his 8th joke. "There it is, that laugh I love." She flinches at the word, pulling away slightly. Though she enjoys his company beyond explanation, and he's undoubtedly her best friend, and she loves kissing him, and dreams of having sex with him, she still can't say it. She still can't put a name to it, and she hopes he doesn't either.

He seems to sense her reluctance, so he doesn't continue, and kisses her again, this time with a sort of sadness. He kisses her forever, under the stars, hoping that one day she'll be ready for them—ready for what he feels for her. But until then, he swallows the words.

 _I'm in love with you._

And when he lays her on the blanket, kissing his way down like in her dream, he doesn't want anything from her. Not like all the other guys she told him about. This is about her.

She lets him slide off her shoes, pulling her jeans down next. He doesn't ask permission, but he does look at her to see if she says no. She doesn't–only looks at hims with a sort of incredulous look, as if she can't believe it's happening, so he kisses up her thighs, making her legs tremble with anticipation. He pulls her panties down, stroking her legs along the way—no move is in vain. Every move is designed to make her feel.

Then his tongue is right where she wants him to be, and she's literally seeing stars, her back arching against the hard floor. He goes in deeper, hooking her legs over his shoulder, only hoping he's doing this right. But her trembling body and silent sobs of pleasure tell him he's not doing it wrong at least.

"Jay, please." He doesn't know what she's asking for, not exactly, not yet, but he wants to give it to her, so he speeds up, only stopping when she lets out a very final loud moan and releases the blanket she's been clutching all this time. She pants, unable to move or talk until her breathing normalizes and she realizes the world looks more colourful all of the sudden.

He smiles at her then, his boyish grin that she adores, and she thinks that this could never make her feel dirty—only the opposite. She sits up, pulling her jeans up and tidying herself up in general. "That was amazing," she tells him, enjoying the happiness those words bring. "I could return the favour."

He shakes his head. "Another time maybe. This was about you." This was because she didn't let him say it, so he showed her instead.

And it's the first time she'll remember a sexual act as something that doesn't expect anything in return, and he was the one who gave it to her. And though she knows she can't say it—maybe she never will—but that's the moment and the selfless action that makes Erin realize she's helplessly in love with Jay. And if that's love, she finally understands what all the fuss is about.

So when she kisses him this time, it's filled with hope—hope that she doesn't screw this up, and that she doesn't end up hurting him. She can taste herself on his lips which grow more skilled with every kiss they share.

They say goodbye, because Erin doesn't think she can handle it in the morning, and he smiles for her benefit. "It's gonna go bye in a blink. And then school will start again, and we'll be together." Erin has never been so anxious for school to start.

"I don't know what to say," she admits, causing him to chuckle.

"Say you'll miss me."

"I'll miss you." She places a final kiss on his lips, before heading back to the cabin, never turning back so he doesn't see her cry.

But she does—she cries herself to sleep, knowing she won't see him for at least a month and after everything that's changed between them, it hurts. But she knows that when they see each other again, it will be all the sweeter because of it.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Haaaay! I'm back. I tried to get this out as soon as possible, and it's a bit shorter than the last one, but I know where I'm going now, so hopefully the next chapter will be out soon. Also sorry for any possible typos I'm literally too tired to read through again.  
**

 **All my sincere gratefulness to justkillingtimewhileiwait for helping me sort through the mess that were my ideas. You're the best girl.  
**

 **I just want to thank you all for your lovely reviews. They make my day when I read them, so thank you and please don't stop now :)  
**

* * *

Erin doesn't even realize how they let her go to a party, but Kim shrieks (that's really the only sound that can describe it) with joy as she tells her that Hank has agreed to let her go, and that her curfew isn't even 9.00 like it was supposed to be at first. She suspects she has Camille to thank for that, overhearing about how she's finally acting like a proper teenager, and that he has to let her be one.

That makes her smile, because she feels more teenager than ever as she rummages through her closet for something to wear.

It's the end of summer party, and one of the kids from school is hosting it. None of their bunch is usually invited to these kinds of parties, but Erin has made friends with Kelly Severide during summer. Despite hanging out with the popular kids, he's actually a very decent guy, and he told her to make sure to bring all her friends. So, she told Kim, who told Adam, who told Kevin (who now also hangs with them), and they're all going together. Too bad Jay isn't coming until tomorrow, she thinks, her lips spreading into a smile just from thinking about him.

She puts on the finishing touches, while Hank grills Atwater who has agreed to drive them all. It must be one of those 'no drinking and driving' speeches, she thinks. Not that she knows much about it, since she doesn't have a licence. That doesn't mean she doesn't know how to drive though. Erin hotwired her first car when she was just barely 14. She really should ask Hank if she can get her licence soon.

"Erin, a word?" He asks, before she can head outside, and he nods reluctantly. She hopes he's not going to change his mind at the last minute.

"I know what high school parties look like. Broke up quite a few while on patrol, so I know they can get wild. I just wanted to say that if anything happens, you give me a call and I'll come to pick you up, alright? Anything. No questions asked."

She looks up at him, marvelling at what he's done for her, and is still doing for her. Nodding to put him at ease, she does something rare. Her arms wrap around him for a quick hug, before she's out of the door greeting Kev and Kim waiting for her in the car.

* * *

"This party is amazing," Kim shouts in her ear, and Erin nods. This is the first teenage party she's been too, and it does not disappoint. There is illegal booze the boys brought from god-knows-where, the typical red cups everywhere, already littering the pretty yard of some rich kid's parents. Popular music is blasting out of several big speakers. They even have one of those fancy, built-in pools to set the summer mood. When they arrive, the party is in full swing.

The parties she usually attended were a bit different than this one. Full of older men hitting on younger girls, people dealing drugs all around, couples basically having sex on the dancefloor of some club. This is much more innocent than anything she's ever seen before, but Kim is nodding her head along to the music and it gets Erin in the perfect mood to have some much-needed fun before the school starts again.

Decided to be mature for once, Erin indulges in one, but only one drink of choice, which just happens to be whatever they push into her open hand at some point and turns out to be vodka with juice.

They both have swimming suits under their shorts, so they pull those off, heading to the pool, just enjoying the sunny and warm day. Kim is anxiously looking around for Ruzek, who's running late as always.

"He swears to me he hasn't been with any beautiful European girl, you know? I think I believe him."

Erin laughs in response, because Kim's worries were all in vain, as Adam came back from his trip announcing he missed her more than anything. Erin has been listening to her friend's worries for over a month, and not that she minds, but she's glad they worked it out. Maybe the distance was just what they needed.

They swim for a bit, chatting and enjoying the lukewarm water. Erin doesn't know what makes her turn her head, followed by Kim's. But there he is, completely out of nowhere, unexpectedly in her vision field. Jay. The boy she's spent the last month obsessing about, without wanting to admit she's been obsessing. But she's missed him like she's never missed anybody, and her cheeks turn red at the thought of what happened the last time they saw each other. He looks good, she thinks. His skin is a little tan, and his freckles are even more prominent in the sun. He looks as if he came directly from Wisconsin.

Kim squeals, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that she saw Adam next to Jay. There is also a blonde girl Erin has never seen before, and she's hanging very close to Jay. Too close for her opinion. Her friend splashes out of the pool very clumsily and goes to throw herself into her boyfriend's arms, while Erin pulls herself up to sit on the edge, before rising.

It's almost funny, she thinks, that he hasn't noticed her, since it was some mysterious force that made her turn her head to his direction. She heads over slowly, as if she wanted to hold off the moment, but when he sees her his face lights up. It's the only reaction she gets for now, maybe because they're in public or because Jay has always been pretty shy. Though he definitely wasn't shy when he was eating her out under the night sky.

"Everyone, this is Allie," he says with a smile. "We met in Wisconsin, and realized she was moving here."

"Small world," Ruzek says, also smiling at the new girl. "And you're being all nice and making sure she doesn't feel left out. Awww."

"Least I can do, after she saved me from dying of boredom."

"Well welcome to the looser group," Kim says with a chuckle, making Erin laugh for the first time since she saw Jay again. It's not that she's not happy to see him. Her heart nearly burst with happiness when she caught the first glance of him. But there was no hug. No kiss hello, as he hurried to introduce his new friend to the group.

Allie thanks her, saying hi to everyone.

As Erin lets out a laugh, her eyes meet Jay, and if she were as cheesy as one of those romantic comedies girls, she'd swear it's an instant connection, but it dies out as soon as it started, mostly because her eyes dart to the floor as she also murmurs hello, not wanting to be rude to Jay's new friend, who seems to be the epitome of perfection. Blonde, classy, beautiful in that sort of angelic way. The kind of beautiful she can never be.

"Don't listen to her," Kev says. "The only looser here is her."

Kim pretends to be hurt by that, mock punching his shoulder. That sort of breaks the ice, and everyone starts chatting, and Allie starts telling what a good time she and Jay had in Wisconsin, and how they taught some kids to swim, and Erin feels nausea spreading over her stomach.

"I need a drink," she murmurs, pushing Kevin out of the way to leave the little circle of friends. It's not like she was imagining this moment since they kissed goodbye. It's not like she wanted to jump into his arms like Kim jumped into Adam's.

She sulks, pouring the mixed drink into her cup. It's not like she hasn't been replaced before, or treated like she's nothing. She guesses it was fooling to believe that one date and some kisses changed anything.

"Why don't you go easy on that?"

Erin swallows it in one gulp, grinning back. "Make me."

She can't deny she enjoys his eyes walking themselves over her body. He's not even trying to hide it, she thinks. It's the kind of boy he is, Kelly Severide. But he's never been disrespectful in any way, and aside from some harmless flirtation they've been pretty good friends.

And right now, a friend is exactly what she needs.

* * *

"Your friend was pretty rude," Allie mentions casually, making Jay's mind snap back to reality. Kim and Adam have left, and they're somewhere probably making up for lost time. The way he should be, with Erin. He's been thinking about it for the past half an hour—how her eyes sparkled when she looked at him, and how he thought she was going to hug him, but she held back. "She's not exactly like what you described."

She only greeted Allie briefly, before heading for a drink never coming back to the group. He wonders what held her back, or maybe she just didn't want to hang out anymore. His face falls a little. He's been thinking about kissing her again the entire summer, telling Allie everything about how awesome she is.

He missed her in a way that almost hurts, and now she's so close, yet she feels further than ever.

"I'm sure she had a reason," he murmurs back. His mind is absent from the conversation.

"She doesn't seem right for you. You're such a nice guy. I feel we really connected over summer."

"Huh?"

"And yet you're only thinking about her. You don't deserve to be treated like this, Jay."

He feels insane need to defend Erin, even though he himself has no idea what made her act so cool towards him.

"Maybe I can take your mind off of it for a second."

Before he can act or even realize what she's doing, she leans in for a kiss, and all he can think about is that these are not Erin's lips, and it just feels so wrong.

He pulls back abruptly, rushing to explain.

"I'm sorry if I send you the wrong signal." He doesn't know how, since he told her about his feelings for Erin. "I just don't feel that way." When he finishes, he's not sure if she gets it. He's even more inclined to believe she doesn't, but he apologizes again, thinking that that must be the first girl he ever rejected, before leaving her there, knowing there is only one person he wants to be with right now.

Sadly, it's the very person who just witnessed that kiss and is now drinking her sorrows away, not thinking very clearly. Not making good decisions.

* * *

"Okay, I think you've had enough," Kelly says, sitting on the stair next to her, pulling the red cup out of her hand. "Have this instead."

"Water. If I wanted to drink water I'd have stayed at home."

"Weren't you going to find your guy?" He wonders, remembering their earlier conversation, when he pulled all her troubles out of her and then gave her what could only be described as sage advice.

"Somebody else already found him," she mumbles unclearly. "Had her tongue down his throat."

He sighs with sympathy. "I'm sorry. He's an idiot, if he has you and goes for somebody else."

She sniffs, scoffing at herself. She's crying. Over a boy. She. Her. Erin Lindsay. How ironic.

"I just want to go home."

"Okay, that I can help you with." He pulls her on her feet, wrapping his arm around her when she stumbles. He steadies her, and she whimpers when the room starts spinning. Luckily, he's strong enough to support her weight as they make their way out. But there is one thing neither of them calculated into this plan.

When Jay sees them, he sees red. Anger boils inside of him, as he passes the pool to get to her, pushing the guy holding her away. "Get off of her man!"

"Listen, I'm just trying to help."

Erin stumbles again, but steadies herself enough to look at Jay angrily.

"Don't you have to make out some more with your new friend? I'm perfectly fine here. I'm sure she's looking for you." She all but shouts the last part, instantly embarrassed that she's the girl making a drunken scene at a party.

But what makes her even more upset is that she's drunk. She's drunk after a long period of complete soberness, and it's all his fault. If he came back and just kissed her like she imagined him to, none of this would have happened.

She sees the exact moment that it dawns on him that she saw the kiss. He inhales, struggling to explain as fast as he can, but it doesn't even matter, because she's too mad to listen right now.

He's close enough for her hand to make contact to his chest, as she tries to push him out of the way, so she can leave this party and have a good cry somewhere, or at least sit down so the world can stop spinning.

She's surprised to hear a splash behind her, vaguely registering people cheering her on.

"Well that will cool you down," she snickers when she realizes she pushed him into the pool. "Don't worry, I know you know how to swim." She makes her exit in a pretty straight line to the main street, trailed by a chuckling Kelly, who's worried about her, but also can't help finding this whole situation funny.

"You don't have to come with me," she snaps at him, and he tells her that yes, he does. He pushes a bottle of water he took from the party into her hand, telling her to drink up.

As if that day hasn't been a bucket of bad choices, she leans into him as they're walking, touching her lips to his as a thank you. His steady arms push her away slightly, making her cheeks burn with embarrassment and rejection.

"It's not that I don't want to," he admits, "but I don't want to be the guy who takes advantage of you when you're drunk and vulnerable and heartbroken. And we both know your drunk and sober thoughts belong to somebody else."

That's when she breaks down, to the point where she has to sit on the pavement, because she can't possibly walk and cry this much at once. Because she is heartbroken, and that's something she thought she would never be. It's the very reason she tried to avoid emotional entanglements, but when she met Jay, she thought he was different.

She allows him to comfort her, apologizing between sobs for making a fool of herself.

"Don't worry about it."

He stands up, and she expects him to pull her back up to get her home, but he doesn't. "I'll see you." He nods to someone standing behind her, whispering something she can't hear.

"What—?"

He sits down on the pavement next to her, and no he isn't Kelly Severide. He's a very wet, very worried Jay, who looks cute and hot and perfect all at once, looking at her without anger. She can't deal with this right now, so she does what she does best today.

She cries again.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for the long pause! I just wasn't sure how to go on :)  
**

 **I hope you still like this! Let me know if I should continue it!**

 **Huge thanks to mdf717 for proofreading!**

* * *

He's at a loss for words, as she buries her crying face into her knees. He tries to pull her against him, to offer some comfort, but she stubbornly pulls away.

"I can't believe you pushed me into a pool," he starts, hoping to make her stop crying, and it works a little. It doesn't get her to smile like he had hoped for, but the sobbing slows down enough for him to explain.

"I didn't kiss Allie," he starts explaining. "She kissed me. I guess she misread the situation. I told her I'm not interested, and then I left to find you. Because from the moment I saw you, I wanted nothing more than to kiss you."

She stares back at him, knowing that he's once again telling the truth. They left things so confused in Wisconsin. They went on a date, but did that mean they were dating? They kissed, but that didn't make a relationship on its own. They should have talked more and kissed less, but Erin loves kissing him. And talking inevitably brings unwanted trouble.

"So why didn't you?" She asks, her voice sounding all too choked for her liking. His thumb brushes over her cheek.

"I wasn't sure you wanted me to."

She inhales. Could it be that she also misread that situation? He's looking straight into her eyes, offering the truth in them. And she believes him, because there is no way he's that good of a liar, and because there is a selfish part of her that wants to believe him.

"I messed up."

"A little bit, yeah."

"For the record, I wanted to kiss you too," she admits, still looking at her knees. Looking into his eyes is impossible, because she already feels like the biggest fool. "I just saw you with your new friend, and I felt left out."

"You know you seem so strong and invincible sometimes, it's hard to remember you get insecure too," he tells her. His arm sneaks around her waist, his other hand bringing her chin up so she's forced to look up at him. "I missed you." Then, finally, his lips touch hers and it's the most right she's felt in a month. Their lips move together slowly, lazily. It's the kind of kiss that lingers even hours after.

"I missed you too," she murmurs.

He takes her home, walking next to her at the pace she can manage, prepared to face the wrath of Hank Voight. But Jay would do anything for his girl.

It's Camille that opens the door, smiling at him, before she realizes the state Erin is in. Her eyes widen with surprise and worry, while Jay hurries to explain that there was a misunderstanding. He leaves it at that, not elaborating too much. He hopes she doesn't get into too much trouble for this.

Camille assures him it's not a problem, and thanks him for bringing Erin home safely. In her drunken state, Erin is oblivious to the fact that she gives Jay a kiss on the cheek before heading inside, making Camille's eyes widen even more.

Then she's crying again, and apologizing to Camille and then to Hank, and they have no heart to give her a lecture. They get her to bed, deciding that talking to a sober Erin would have a much bigger impact.

* * *

She feels so bad in the morning. There is no way it was worth all the vodka she poured down her throat in an attempt to numb her confused mess of a feelings. Months of no drinking have turned her into a lightweight, and she didn't even need to drink as much as she used to. The worst part is, she didn't actually get drunk enough for that blissful oblivion, as she remembers every single embarrassing moment.

Sitting on her bed, she takes it all in. The walls, the furniture, the space that she made her own with time. She wonders if all of that is now lost to her. Did she ruin her one chance at a family?

Camille knocks, then pops her head inside without waiting for her invitation. Another thing she lost appears to be their trust.

"Oh, you're awake. Good. We'd like to talk to you."

"Is that really necessary? I mean I can just take my stuff and leave."

"When are you going to realize we aren't going to send you back the first time you screw up?" Camille seems almost upset that Erin is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, despite the fact they've done everything to make her realize that it won't. She continues more softly. "You're not going anywhere, we'd just like to know if we should be worried."

Hank comes in behind her, sitting on Erin's chair, while Camille sits down on the bed next to her. Her gentle hand on Erin's back helps Erin to focus, instead of only thinking how they're going to send her away.

"You don't have to worry. It was just a mistake."

"Jay said something about a misunderstanding."

"I overcalculated how many drinks I could have," she lies smoothly, not really ready to talk about her relationship with Jay to either of them. Especially not Hank, who she suspects would open the door to Jay with a shotgun the next time if he knew what activities they've engaged in at Wisconsin. "I used to drink more, so my tolerance was higher. It just sort of knocked me over. It won't happen again."

Hank nods, his expression serious, but she can see the worry lines fade a bit. Erin hopes she sounds plausible enough for him to buy it.

"You're still grounded for a week," he mutters.

"What? But it's last week of summer!" And there is exactly one person she wants to spend all of it with.

Unrelenting, Hank leaves the room, which leaves her alone with Camille and Erin hates that there are tears in her eyes, because she gambled away her last week of freedom. Not to mention how she made a scene, made a fool of herself with Jay, and then with Kelly.

"Don't worry. I'll talk to him. Why don't you take a shower and join us for breakfast? I have just the thing for that hangover you're feeling right now."

Erin nods, waiting for Camille to leave the room before she plumps back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling for a minute. Her whole body is still tense with fear that is now slowly leaving her body. Because she doesn't have to leave, and they didn't change their mind. It's the first time that Erin actually believes that they're not giving up on her.

And it changes everything.

* * *

"This is nice," she comments, spreading over the blanket. The sound of his chuckle reminds her of how lucky she is that Camille managed to change Voight's mind. She's still going to be grounded, but starting next week, so it will be home after school and no visitors.

But instead, she gets to spend the remaining time with her head in his lap, watching the clouds and acting like a love-sick teenager, which she absolutely is. That's right, no point in denying it. Erin has admitted it to herself that she has fallen for Jay in that disgusting butterflies-in-my-stomach-I-miss-you-all-the-time way.

"Couldn't agree more." He's looking down at her, and she rolls her eyes, but also smiles at the cliché line. "So you're still grounded next week?"

"Yup. All worth it." She sits up, finding his warm lips, closing her eyes and getting lost in the feeling of weightlessness. If she ever wondered what her favourite thing to do was, she knows now. It's kissing Jay Halstead.

He pulls her into his lap, so he can feel her closer, and thankfully they've picked a quite remote part of the part for their little date, so they're not putting on a show for any innocent playing children.

She's surprised to realize that Jay picked up a lot of confidence over the past couple of months, and she wonders quietly if she has anything to do with it. But she's quite enjoying this Jay. Still innocent, and still too good for her, but not someone who lets other people walk all over them anymore.

"I know this is going to sound lame to you," he starts, making her raise her brow, "but I want to make this official. If that's something you want, too."

Her fingers settle on the back of his neck, and she stares into his perfect blue eyes, wondering how she got so lucky. Then she nods, sealing the deal with another scorching kiss that leaves them both wanting more.

* * *

"I kind of promised Allie she can sit with us at lunch," he whispers to her after she rushes into the classroom at the last minute. He saved her a seat, which makes her smile, because that's what boyfriends do, and she loves it.

"Fine," she mutters, already deciding that she's not going to let that spoil her good mood. So when the blonde epitome of perfection sits down next to Jay at the round table in the cafeteria, she feels reassured by his hand instantly reaching for hers underneath the table.

They've decided to keep it quiet for now, though they suspect their friends have figured it out already, judging by the looks they keep giving them.

"AP Chemistry? You're such a nerd." He laughs as she goes through his schedule. "You're still going to tutor me, right? I can't pass regular Chemistry without you."

"Of course. Anything you need."

"Oh, guys, you're gonna love this. I have it from a credible source that Mr. Hardy is not coming back this year. We're getting a new English teacher."

Their eyes meet, and for a moment they're right back there, in the classroom with Mr. Hardy yelling at Jay and Erin standing up for him and for all the rest of the kids. How it all started. The moment that made all of this happen. She thinks about how different her life is now than it was a couple of months ago.

If it weren't for that moment, she never would have made friends with Jay and the Adam and Kevin. She never would have had a reason to tackle her Charlie problem, and confess the whole thing to Voight. In many ways, her life is different because a rebel girl decided to stand up for a bullied boy in class.

"That's great news," she murmurs with a smile, never taking her eyes off his.

"How did you manage to pass last year, Linds?" Kevin's affectionate nickname warms her heart.

"I don't think he would have dared to fail me, after that meeting with Hank." She shrugs it off. "And, I had a good tutor." And English isn't as annoying of a subject as chemistry is. This would never have happened in chemistry. Or math.

"I think I'm going to need one too, I'm a little behind on everything," Allie says with a smile, eyeing Jay. It makes Erin fist her palm and grit her teeth and she has to remind herself that he's dating _her._ She, Erin Lindsay, is his girlfriend.

Jay nods in her direction good-naturedly, hoping they can all get past this misunderstanding and be friends, but even Kim is watching Allie with a strange and suspicious look and he hopes the jealousy isn't contagious.

"Maybe we can all study together sometimes," he says, trying to ease the tension in the group that is apparently created by two girls being into him, which sounds like a ridiculous concept to him, because up until very recently there were no girls.

"I'd like that," Allie says with a smile, and Erin just smiles at him, seemingly unaffected by this plan. She'll get in his private tutoring lessons, even if she has to bribe him with kisses when they're alone.

"Shoot, I gotta go. I'll see you in English." Jay stands in a rush, addressing the last part more to Erin than anyone else. Then he kisses her goodbye, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and leaves. He doesn't get to see Kim's smile, or Adam's wide eyes, or Allie's frown.

* * *

"This is getting ridiculous," she mutters, pressed against the wall of an abandoned hallway. He's close enough for her to smell his intoxicating scent, and it is her own brand of torture.

"It's one week. I think we can make it through one week," he assures her with a smirk, though she has her doubts. She might as well combust from all this waiting. And wanting.

He pulls back, and she groans in response to the absence of his body that was pressing against her up until a second ago.

"We need to stop, before you make it impossible for me to go to class," he admits almost shyly, causing her to grin. He can be so shy sometimes, and then he goes and does things like what he did in Wisconsin, completely sweeping her feet off the ground.

When she tells him that, he laughs. "It's a learning curve, I guess," he admits. A learning curve when half of the time he feels he's doing something wrong. But she cuddles against his chest and buries her face in it, and that makes him feel like he did something right.

* * *

"You think you're special?" Erin snaps out of her daydream and turns her attention to the speaker, which just turns to be Allie. For the past week, she has been everywhere. Whenever she tries to score some alone time with her boyfriend, Allie is there, and the time is, well, no longer alone.

So it figures she'd be here now, bothering her with something stupid to interrupt her fantasy. Even if here now means at school in the late afternoon. Erin was one of the people chosen to help set up for a school event. She knows Jay is somewhere around, though she hasn't seen him. But just knowing he's somewhere around makes being in school after dark so much more bearable.

She huffs at her. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the Jay special that he gave you in Wisconsin. Well guess what sweetie, you weren't the only one!" Her cheeks feel hot all of the sudden, recalling the events before her departure from the cabin.

Her first reaction is denial. There is no way Jay would ever do anything like this. He's not that kind of person. But she never told anyone about what happened in Wisconsin. Not even Kim. So how would Allie find out? Unless Jay told her? No. Jay can't even get through a conversation about it with her without blushing fiercely. He wouldn't talk to another person about it.

All those internal questions are followed by a terrifying thought. Maybe Jay isn't the person she thought he is. She has to admit her character judgement can be a little off—hence her "friendship" with Charlie. So, could she be so horribly wrong about someone?

She knows one thing for sure. All those years, she protected her heart, keeping it to herself. But it was all for nothing. Because in that moment she knows just what it feels like to have your heart broken.

And she wishes she'd never have to find out what it feels to be naïve for even just one second.

* * *

She can't hear Allie calling after her in a pretend-to-be-worried tone, or Kim calling after her as she runs away. All she can hear is the sound of her feet hitting the sidewalk and the heart beating strong in her chest. Until she catches something else. Male laughter. Just what she needed.

"Hey look, it's the slut. Tell me something, how much do you charge per hour?"

It's weird how much those words sting. The word of her past reached the whole school at some point, but she really was beginning to think it was old news. She shakes them off and continues walking away, rolling her eyes when she hears them follow.

"I can throw a mean punch," she threatens, though she knows in worst case scenario she couldn't take all of them.

"Relax, we just want to have some fun," the tallest one continues. She swallows hard, considering her options when she sees a familiar figure.

One second later all hell breaks loose.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I'm not beyond begging for feedback! I really need to hear your thoughts so I can continue it guys! Please? With Jay on top?**

* * *

"You don't get to speak to her like that!"

His voice is laced with anger, fury even. And in that moment, she doesn't have time to be upset with him, or even think about what Allie said inside, because the only feeling she has time for before Jay's fist connects with the face of the guy, is relief. And worry. Which is illustrative enough of her priorities.

The fight breaks out, and Erin jumps in, pushing one of the guys off of Jay, until he hits the pavement.

"You're crazy!" The guy shouts back, and for a second Erin thinks he'll just return the hit again. But there must be something in Jay's eyes that won't allow for it, because the guy backs away and takes off with his buddies, leaving Erin and Jay alone in the night. As if that weren't enough, she soon feels drops of rain on her face and hears thunder somewhere in the distance.

"Let me take a look," she murmurs, tracing her fingers softly across his face. He flinches, and she realizes she has never seen him this mad at anyone. Anger isn't an emotion she automatically connects with him. Though she has seen him angry before. That first day when they talked in the hallway, after she followed him. He was angry then. And that was nothing compared to this.

The skin beneath her fingertips is turning purple already. Once more, he is bruised because of her. It makes her hate herself. "It'll bruise, but I don't think anything is broken. Did you get hurt anywhere else?" She asks softly, fighting the urgency to cry all of the sudden.

"Stop. I'm fine," he assures, tucking a lose strand of her hair behind her ear. He looks so worried for her, it makes her feel undeserving. "What happened, why did you run out like that?"

"It doesn't matter." She tries to shake it.

"Matters to me."

As if on cue, a cloud rips and in seconds they're drenched. "My house is closer," he tells her, having to almost yell to speak over the storm. She nods, allowing him to guide her into the right direction, as they start to run towards his house. But he can feel her distant, almost a whole step away from him, when all he wants is to wrap his arms around her. He catches a hold of her hand, pulling her to a sudden halt. "What's going on?"

"Did you tell Allie about what happened at the lake?" She blurts out. The storm outside is nothing compared to the storm raging inside of her. A storm of fear. Fear of betrayal. Fear of a broken heart. Fear of losing something she never thought she'd have in the first place.

His eyes widen and he shakes his head to answer. They reach his house, but stop before going in. It doesn't matter anyway—they're both already soaked. "I didn't tell a soul. Not even my brother."

"She knows!" The rain mixes with her tears, and she doesn't care about anything anymore. She doesn't care she will probably get a bad cold, or that she'll be hoarse from all the yelling. "She said it happened between you two. And I don't know what to believe. I want to believe you wouldn't do that to me."

The look of pure shock on his face is convincing. "Erin, I would never. You have to believe me." It breaks his heart that she still can't trust him. That she had been wounded so badly throughout her life she can't believe something good could happen to her. "I love you. I'm in love with you."

She has never heard those words before. Not in such a pure way, not spoken so softly, yet with a power to knock her off her feet. So as they reach his porch, and he pulls her off the rain, it doesn't even matter anymore. The water is dripping off of them onto the wooden porch, and all she can think about is that he loves her.

"Come in. Nobody is home," he assures when she starts making excuses. "My dad went up north to visit my grandpa, and my mom is working the nightshift. Will is at his girlfriend's house," he explains as he leads her up to his room. She's been here before, but it feels different now. She realizes she hasn't been here since they started dating.

In the absence of rain, he can see her tears now, and he wants nothing more than to wipe them off and never make her cry again. But some things need to be said first.

"I don't know how she knows," he swears. "I didn't tell anyone. And I certainly never…" He can't even say it out loud. "I know we weren't really together yet, Erin, but I wanted to be with you. I didn't just jump on another girl as soon as you left."

She nods. Her mind is racing, but ultimately when she breathes in, she believes him. She can't not believe him, when he looks almost as hurt as she feels.

"You've had a horrible life so far, Erin. You deserve something good. You have to stop waiting for something bad to happen."

"I know that. I'm trying." Her voice sounds too choked up for her liking. "You're my something good," she whispers low, nearly inaudible. The corners of his lips tug upwards slightly at her words, indicating that he heard her.

"You should get into something dry," he tells her, pulling a soft hoodie out of a drawer. It's the way he phrases it—not saying she needs to get out of her wet clothes, which is a line she's heard more than once from guys trying to sleep with her. But not Jay. His intentions are as pure as they come, as in he cares for her well-being. That is what ultimately makes her crush her lips against his in search of intimacy and closeness.

He relaxes when she does, as if he were holding his breath, waiting on her to decide whether she believes him or not. The hoodie he's holding for her hits the floor when she deepens the kiss. In that moment the realization hits him.

They're alone.

His fingers bury in her damp hair, letting out all the suppressed longing from the past month and a half. He kisses her like it's the last time he'll get the chance. Like everything in his life culminated up to this moment, when he gets to hold her in his arms and make her his.

She grabs a fistful of his shirt, groaning when his entire body presses against hers. And yet she needs him closer. It's the moment, in which she knows there is no way back. Her arm stretches out, turning the key in his door, watching his eyes widen, as she pulls off the wet t-shirt she's wearing.

Despite his initial reservation, he doesn't lose any time before diving in—drinking her like he's the thirsty man lost in the desert. And until he met her, he might as well have been. It strikes him as interesting that he always thought he would be too nervous when this moment came, but every move he makes next seems to come naturally.

They undress each other, slowly, but intentionally. The wet clothes end up on the floor between kisses and caresses and whispered words of affection. Neither of them feels cold anymore, when he lays her down on his bed, wondering what he ever did to deserve her. His eyes lock with her for a second. "Are you sure?"

"Shouldn't I be the one asking?"

He blushes adorably, and she pulls him down for a kiss that melts away his worries and doubts. Hovering over her, he hooks his fingers behind her panties, pulling them down. It's a flashback to that last night in Wisconsin, and he grins down at her, remembering. She returns the favour—removing the last barrier between them—with a smile and anticipation in her eyes.

Her hand slips down, cupping him softly, enjoying the little sounds he makes. One day she will return the favour for what he did in Wisconsin, but not right now. She guides him to her entrance, and when he pushes forward hesitantly, for a second, she feels like it's her first time as well. Because no matter how experienced she is, nothing can measure up to truly feeling connected to someone the way she feels connected to him.

They move together, in search of their rhythm, and when they find it, it's everything. It's fireworks and waterfalls and everything glorious in that one smooth race to the finish line.

He comes, burying his head into the crook of her neck with her name on his lips, and when she follows a couple of seconds later, arching against the mattress, a single tear rolls down her cheek, because she has never experienced something as perfectly blissful as that.

* * *

They're lying in his bed intertwined, counting the minutes until she has to leave. They're already stretching it out, since she was supposed to be home from school half an hour ago, and Hank has had her on a short leash as she likes to put it. But they feel too close to each other to part, and she feels her head might permanently glue itself to his chest.

"Is it always like this?"

She looks up to answer him. "It's never been like this." How can she convey to him just how wonderful he made her feel? How safe she feels in his arms and how it felt like it was her first time as well, despite her having sex countless times before. "I never got the chance to thank you. For what you did back there. No one has ever defended me like that before. Not that I ever had much honour to defend."

"Hey," he brushes his thumb over her chin, "I don't care what you ever did, but nobody can speak to you like that."

She smiles in reply to that, and she hopes he knows how special what they have is. Then his face falls, and he grabs her wrist with urgency.

"We still need to do something about Allie. I wanna know why she wants to split us up."

"I find that kind of obvious."

"Maybe, but I still want to know. Trust me?"

She does. Otherwise she wouldn't be in his bed right now. "Yes. But can we stop talking about her while we're in bed together?"

"You want to talk about something else?"

She grins, kissing down his neck. "I'd rather not talk at all."

Though the time she spent with Jay is worth this inquisition that Voight is putting her through, she still wishes he would stop nagging, and let her go to her room.

"I told you, I weathered the storm there, and as soon as it was dry, I came home."

"Just call next time." That's Hank's rough voice. Too bad she knows he's actually a softie and that strong voice fails to intimidate her any longer. She nods to confirm, and he excuses himself, mumbling something about unpredictable teenagers. Erin wants to tell him how new this still is for her. Never before in her life did she have people who actually cared when she came home (or if she did at all).

"Don't worry dear, he's had a tough day at work." Camille tries to comfort her. The words don't do much, but the piece of homemade chocolate cake she sets in front of her does the job. "So how is Jay? Are you two okay?"

"We're okay." She's leaning onto the kitchen table with a dreamy look. "We're great." If you don't count Jay's jealous friend who is trying to split them up.

"It's nice to see you like this."

"Like what?"

"Happy. I don't think you realize how much you've been smiling lately. It's nice. You have this smile that could replace the sun. And those dimples." Camille touches her cheek to emphasize her words, and Erin feels warm all of the sudden. Tears burn in her eyes, until she lets them fall, thinking that this is what home feels like. This is what love feels like. She never knew before, not really. And she hasn't allowed herself to believe this would last, but she can't anymore.

Hope overwhelms her, like a broken dam, as she cries in Camille's arms—not because she's sad, but because this day has been intense.

"I love you." In that moment, everything makes perfect sense, especially her reluctance to say it back to Jay, even though she knows she's in love with him. But those three words—she has never said them to anybody in her entire life.

And now she knows that Camille was just the person who she was saving them for.

"Oh, sweet girl. I love you too."

Then they both cry together—a girl who has just learned what it's like to have a mother, and a woman who has just realized that Erin is the daughter she always dreamed of. And in that moment, she swears to herself that the crying girl in her arms would never feel alone again.

* * *

"Hey, you. What are you still doing up?" He moves his eyes from the tv in the living room to his mom. She looks tired, but a sight of her never fails to bring a smile to his face.

"Couldn't sleep. Will is sleeping at a friend's house. It's just so quiet." Especially after Erin left, only he doesn't add that part, as he gets up to help his mom unload the bags.

"Did you eat?"

"Yeah. You want me to fix you something?"

"That's alright, thanks. How was school? Wait a minute!" She turns his face to the light. "Did you get into a fight again?"

"This was different, mom. They were threatening someone. I had to do something."

"My son, the protector." She pulls him closer, into a hug that he gladly accepts. He doesn't even care if that makes him mama's boy, but his mom's embrace is the safest place in the world, and he never wants to take it for granted. "I'm proud of you, you know?"

"Thanks, mom. I'm proud of you too."

She laughs at that, that wonderful laugh, and he wants to burn this moment into his mind for when he's older. Then she pulls out two spoons, and he grins, pulling out the ice-cream out of the freezer, and they dig in.

"So, this girl you were protecting? Was it Erin?"

"Mom!"

"It was. And you two are what? Dating?"

He avoids eye contact, but ends up nodding anyway. "Yeah."

"You should invite her over for dinner sometime. I'll let you know when it works for me."

"Okay." He mentally prepares himself for more questions, but she seems to get that he doesn't want to talk about it and lets it go. For the most part anyway.

"It's nice to see you happy like this," she tells him, when they're done with ice-cream. "Now off you go. It's still a school night, and it's almost midnight."

But nothing can spoil Jay's good mood. Not his mom inviting Erin over, so she can grill her over dinner; not being sent to bed; and especially not the two less hours of sleep he'll be getting. As he gets in bed, it feels almost strange to plop down on the same sheets they laid on only hours before. It feels strange without Erin to rest her head on his chest.

He stares at the ceiling for a while, before the memories and the excitement of the day inevitably lull him to sleep, only to dream of a certain brunette with dimples in her cheeks.

* * *

The morning sun is shining surprisingly bright for autumn, and her smile is shining surprisingly bright for her. She is just thinking about how nothing can spoil her mood, because everything is finally falling into place. She has a family, and she has a boy who loves her, and has proven it in many ways.

Even the evil teacher she had to deal with last year is gone. They're meeting the new teacher today, and Erin wonders who it will be. It can't be much worse than Mr. Hardy, though she has to admit, something good did come out of that miserable afternoon.

She is walking to school, thinking that nothing could ruin this—thinking that for the first time she can allow herself to be happy without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She just happens to be so very wrong.

* * *

 **A/N: MUAHAHAHA, am I evil or what? Did you like that very ominous ending?**

 **If you liked it, leave me a review to motivate me to write faster!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Haya! I'm back with another chapter. I hope you're still reading this, cause things are about to get really interesting! *wink***

 **Let me know if you like this, and yes, it's okay if you want to scream at me when you reach the end.**

 **Huge thanks to quesera1 for proofreading this for me!**

* * *

He comes to school with a smile plastered all over his face. Not even sarcastic comments from his father, or the snarky comments from his brother can erase it. It goes ear to ear, causing his face to look even more handsome than usual.

He spots her after Chemistry class, wondering why she didn't meet him at the lockers in the morning, like they agreed the night before. The somber expression on her face when he does see her, contrasts his own. But the lack of her smile makes his evaporate.

"Hey," he greets, catching up with her long steps. "I missed you this morning." He expects a smile—anything, but the only reaction is silence and a meek attempt at a smile. "Is something wrong? Did you get into trouble for getting home late?"

"I'm fine. I'm just not in the mood to be all bubbly and smiley."

"Okay, I can understand that. But don't push me away." He slips his hand into hers as they walk to English together. He doesn't get a smile, or any more words for that matter, but she does squeeze his hand softly, before letting go to find her seat.

The new English teacher—Mr. Herrera is young and fun. He's the complete contrast of Mr. Hardy. They don't do much the first period, and he lets them go five minutes early. It's worth mentioning Mr. Hardy never did, so that's already a plus in everyone's eyes.

Jay looks forward to five more minutes with Erin, even if she is in a foul mood, but his plan gets ruined by Mr. Herrera, who asks Erin to stay after class. He hopes she's not in trouble again, but he can't read her expression so he joins his friends and heads to his locker.

* * *

"I've been warned about you," Mr. Herrera starts, and Erin finds herself smiling for the first time since her awful morning.

"Aw, come on Mr. H. I thought you knew me."

"I must say I was surprised when I saw your name on the list."

"I was equally surprised when I saw your face in there." She shrugs, playing it cool, but if anything could turn this day around, it's this.

"Yeah, well. I have a kid now. This pays better."

"How is the little monster?" She asks with affection, watching him laugh and bring out a photo. Mr. Herrera, or Mr. H, as they called him, used to teach English in the high school she went to before moving in with the Voights. He was the one person who always treated her with dignity, and never treated her like what she was—a junkie, hooked on dope, on her way to ending up in a ditch somewhere.

Once, when she was in detention and Bunny was out god knows where, he took her over to his place for dinner. She got to meet his wife, who was one of the kindest people she's ever met, and they served her a big meal that made her stomach stop aching from hunger.

He was one of the few people in Erin's life who cared, who went the extra mile. And she made it a point never to forget those people.

"I hope you won't cause me any trouble. The previous teacher said you were a trouble-maker."

"The previous teacher was a douchebag."

"Well I couldn't agree more there," he says with a grin. "You should go, or you'll be late for your next class."

She nods, grabbing the straps of her backpack. "I'm glad you got out of there, Mr. H. You were too good for that place."

He laughs. "Same goes for you, Erin."

"Tell the wife I said hi."

And with that, she walks out with a smile, because sometimes good people do make it out. Mr. H and her are the living proof.

* * *

She doesn't see Jay until lunch, and that gives her an opportunity to shake her bad mood, caused by a blast from the past. Realizing she doesn't have any lunch money, she just plops down next to Kim. She has gone days without food, so what's a couple of hours.

The conversation goes on, but she feels Jay's eyes on her, as if he's trying to read her. Soon enough, he tugs at her hand until she follows him to an empty hallway, which has kind of become their spot.

"What's going on? If I did something wrong, you need to tell me."

"Not everything revolves around you," she mutters. Her foul mood is back, and he's the perfect candidate for her to unleash it onto.

"Is it because we didn't use… you know?"

He looks so worried it actually melts away half of her anger. "No," she murmurs. "I got that taken care of. You don't have to worry. I got tested this summer, and I'm on the pill."

His flushed cheeks are a clear sign of how uncomfortable this conversation is making him, but she loves him for asking anyway.

"Then what is going on?"

"Don't worry about it," she offers a smile, as fake as it is, but it's a smile. She knows he won't stop asking, so she does what she does best—offer a diversion in the form of a kiss, which has him pressing her against the cold metal of a locker soon enough.

The diversion works great on him, and even better on her, as she forgets, for all of five minutes, what she was so pissed about in the first place.

* * *

"Hey, wait up!" She looks over her shoulder, even though there is no need. She recognizes the voice in an instant. Smiling warmly, she halts her steps, so Kelly can catch up with her.

"Hey. Haven't seen you in a while."

"Yeah, been busy. Basketball season," he explains. "But I saw you this morning. You looked pretty upset, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

And for a moment, she feels incredibly lucky to have so many people in her life that love her, and care for her enough to notice when she's acting strange. It hasn't always been the case, she remembers. There was a time when all she had was a junkie mom, who couldn't care less if she lived or died.

Bitter, she pushes the memory of her mother to the back of her mind and focuses on her friend.

"I've been meaning to talk to you. I wanted to apologize for what happened at the party. I really appreciate what you did." The truth is, she isn't used to people without ulterior motives—people who don't simply want to take advantage of her, but actually care. "Thank you."

"No sweat. That's what friends are for."

"Yeah, I've been learning that."

"Who was that with you? This morning when I saw you? You seemed to be having an argument."

"Nobody. Don't worry about it."

"I'm your friend, of course I worry."

"Well don't," she snaps, and he shuts up immediately. Her expression softens. "I'm sorry. It's not my day." She can't wait to come home, curl up on the couch and watch a movie while eating some of Camille's famous comfort food. She'll want to know what's wrong, of course, so Erin already has a lie prepared, because she can't tell the truth about why she's in a bad mood. She just can't.

"Happens to the best of us. I'll see you around, Lindsay."

"See ya."

* * *

Erin is wearing a dress. This might be one of the first times that she has abandoned her boyish style to look presentable. It's a dress that Camille bought her soon after she moved in, and Erin is particularly fond of it. It's not the dress itself that is important to her, but what it represents. Camille truly accepting her as a part of the family.

She wonders why she is nervous? She has met Jay's mom before, and the woman seemed the epitome of grace and kindness, so why is she shaking as she walks to the door?

She knows why. When Jay told her that his mom invited her over for dinner she was excited. But then last night, as she lay in bed, she remembered his dad's reaction that day in the principal's office. How he implied that she traded sexual favours in order for Hank to take her in.

It makes her shiver now, even the thought of it. The wooden porch creaks as she steps to the door and tentatively knocks three times. Her worries are in vain, because Jay is the one to open the door, almost as if he is trying to make this as easy as possible for her. She smiles, stepping inside into the house. Her cheeks flush when she remembers the last time she was here, and when he looks at her, she knows he's thinking about the same thing.

Before heading to the kitchen, he pins her to the wall for a kiss that leaves her breathless and wanting more. Trying to catch her breath, she could kill him for it, but it does make her less nervous for a while.

The dinner itself isn't that bad. Great food mixed with what can only be described as an interrogation by Jay's dad.

"So what's your story, Erin? How did you grow up?"

"Dad!" Jay looks exasperated and apologetic. But Erin isn't stupid. She knows this isn't his fault. You don't choose your family, and like he once told her, you're not responsible for their actions either. So she raises her head high.

"Oh, you know. The classic. I never knew my dad. My mom is a junkie, who never cared for anything other than alcohol, drugs and guys. I got offered a way out, I took it." And no matter what anyone says, she is not going back there. "That's pretty much it."

With the elephant out of the room, the conversation flows better. Jay's dad looks almost ashamed for pushing so hard, murmuring something about having to know the person his son was dating. She gets that. In all honesty, she has been treated far worse than this dinner, so she lets it go, shaking her head politely.

"So, Erin, Jay tells me he's helping you study?"

Well lately all they do during their tutoring time is make out, but yes. She nods. "He's been so helpful, I could never have gotten my grades up without him. He's really smart." She glances at him softly, unware of his mom observing her.

"That he is," she says with a smile, while Will makes a gagging noise, and Jay smacks him over the head. "I'm sorry for these two, we don't let them out of their cage often."

Erin chuckles, shaking her head. "That's fine. I have a brother now, so I understand."

Jay grins, finding her hand under the table. His fingers lace with hers, and she feels her worries slip away.

But not for long.

* * *

The door of her room has to stay open, so it does, but that doesn't stop them from being creative. With their backs leaning on her bed, all that's visible from the door is their heads, and that leaves their hands to wander.

"Stop," he groans, taking a hold of her hand, when it gets a little too bold. "We can't. Not here."

Swallowing, she nods. He's right, but it doesn't mean she has to like it. Now that she's finally experienced how great sex with him is, they can't do it again. And with the occasional awkwardness and stumbling around the first time, she's sure it can only get better.

So she lets out a groan of annoyance as well, pulling her hand back from his thigh. She reaches for the history book she threw on the floor before, when he started by kissing her neck. "Let's study then."

He nods. At least history is a boring enough subject to surely take care of his little problem.

If only the girl next to him wasn't so hot.

* * *

"I'm home!" He yells out, opening the door and throwing the keys onto the hook. There is no answer, even though his mom is supposed to be home. He pulls Erin in by the hand, trailing to the living room, and further to the kitchen.

 _Had to take an extra shift at the hospital. Dinner is in the oven. Your dad will be home late._

 _-Mom_

He doesn't even finish reading the note, when she's kissing him already, grinning into his mouth. This is exactly the opportunity they've been waiting for.

They almost trip over each other, trying to get upstairs by racing up the steep stairs between laughing. Reaching his room, they start undressing each other the moment the door closes behind them, not wanting to waste a single second of this precious time.

Her hand caresses his face—her thumbs running softly over his cheeks. She wishes she could properly convey how wanted he makes her feel when he looks at her like that. Like he could eat her up whole.

Running through his hair, her fingers land on his neck as she pulls him in for a kiss. His hands wrap around her, travelling down her back, until they end up on her butt. She grins into the kiss, pressing herself against him, closer, while also trying to undo the buckle on his belt.

It feels so natural, like they've done this for a thousand times. Every touch, every kiss feels familiar, almost like a déjà vu. Their clothes wind up on a pile in the middle of his room, and they stumble towards his bed together. Their limbs already entwined, like they never want to let go of each other.

They crash on the bed, Jay on top of her, and she admits she enjoys the feeling of his weight on top of her body. She has never enjoyed that particular part before, because it made her feel powerless. Like she couldn't escape. But not with him. It feels almost comforting.

As his hand moves up between her thighs, running along her wet underwear, she can't help but notice his actions much more confident than the last time. She lets out a breathy moan, when his fingers rub her clit over her panties, begging him for something—what she doesn't even know.

Done waiting, she removes the last obstacle herself, impatient to feel him closer. As close as he can possibly get.

Everything happens in a blur of emotions. Perhaps because they had to wait for so long, or because this is still so new and they can't get enough of each other, but when he sinks into her, she feels like time stops for a second. Everything comes down to that moment, when their eyes lock together. It is the most intimate feeling she's ever felt. As if he can see inside of her.

He starts thrusting, covering her mouth when her moans get louder. He gloats a little, raising his brow and grinning down at her, before he releases her mouth, only for him to capture it in a kiss that silences the little sounds she's making.

Erin wraps her legs around him, so he can bury himself deeper inside of her, taking her to that edge that she has so fiercely craves. She feels him holding back a little, waiting for her to come first before he lets go. It makes her emotional. Never before has someone put her needs above theirs in bed.

It's why the secret she's keeping from him weighs on her even heavier. But she can't tell him. Not when they're finally in a good place.

This is just one blast from the past she is going to have to deal with alone.

* * *

"What's wrong?"

She shakes her head, just like she has for the past thirteen times when he asked her that exact question. "Nothing."

"You've been distant. I feel something's changed. I want to know."

"I just have stuff on my mind," she reassures him. Losing him is not something she wants. For the past couple of days, she has done everything in her power to take his mind off of it. But it's not enough. He's slipping through her fingers with every minute. They rarely even talk anymore, and she hates every minute.

"Then tell me."

"I can't." She stifles a cry. "Please don't ask me to. Please."

"Erin. I don't know if I can't do this. You still don't trust me." He looks completely heartbroken. His eyes dart to the floor, as if he can't even look at her anymore. His teeth dig into his lip, biting furiously, because he doesn't want to do this. But this isn't what he imagined.

"Wait," she starts as the realization finally sinks in, "are you breaking up with me?"

* * *

 **A/N: SAY WHAT NOW? Is he really gonna break up with her? *gasp* Review if you wish to find out ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hey there! First of all I'm very sorry for that ending! I feel so evil, which is why you're getting this chapter so soon. I hope you like it. *evil wink***

 **Your feedback, your reviews, reactions, they mean the world to me. You have no idea. Sometimes I don't have the time to reply to all of your messages, but please know I read all of them, and they make me the happiest, most inspired girl!**

 **Huuuuge thank you to quesera1 for betaing this for me! She's an actual angel :)**

* * *

"Wait," she starts as the realisation finally sinks in, "are you breaking up with me?"

Despite her rough early life, Erin has never wanted to portray herself as a victim. She was a part of a shitty situation yes, but she helped herself as best as she could, and she never lost her will to live.

But in that moment, she wishes she was dead. So that she could escape her past, her world, and most importantly, so she could escape the person haunting her dreams lately.

Erin's relationship with her mother had always been complicated. Or maybe not that much. Since she was a baby, all she remembers wishing, is for Bunny to care. To care even a little bit about Erin's wellbeing and happiness.

There was one day, years ago—her 6th birthday. Bunny was sober and even bought her a gift. A green plushie rabbit that Erin took everywhere. That day, a little brunette girl with dimples in her cheeks (and not many reasons to display them) started to dream about a future. A future in one of those houses with a white picket fence, and a dog running around the yard. She imagined her mom coming home from work, kissing her hello.

The fantasy didn't last long—only until Bunny craved a drink, which led to more drinks, which led to some coke. But even now, she still remembers that birthday. She remembers the sentiment that washed over her, when, even if it was only for a day, she got a sense of what having a mother felt like.

And that is the moment she remembers now, when this boy, this incredible boy that seems to love her for whatever reason, is telling her they should take a break.

"If it's what you want," she whispers, her voice already cracking with emotions. One emotion in particular. Heartbreak. She wants nothing more than to tell him everything, to crumble in the safety of his embrace and face the world together. But there is the selfless part of her, reminding her of how much she has already put him through. He deserves better.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, brushing off a single tear that trickles down her cheek.

"Me too."

As Erin leaves him standing there to turn her back on the one good thing that ever happened to her, she isn't thinking about the future. She is just thinking about how much she hates her mother.

* * *

Walking home is a haze, a blur of trees and sidewalks. Tears stain her face now, when she isn't holding them back anymore, but she knows she did the right thing. How can she let the most venomous poison in her life reach the best person she has ever met? She can't. So even though it hurts, like her heart is actually splitting in half, she knows she has to deal with this alone. And then maybe, if he can ever forgive her, they can try again.

But the look in his eyes is going to keep her company for a long time. The heart she least wanted to break.

Camille takes one look at her. That's all. One look. No questions are asked. Erin only finds herself wrapped into a hug, by what a real mother should be. Her sobs echo around the house, drawing Hank in too. That night, she falls asleep completely exhausted, sandwiched between Hank and Camille on the couch, joined by a very grouchy Justin on one side. It's the night she understands what unconditional love feels like.

* * *

She knows something is wrong the moment she enters the school. Everyone is staring at her, and that hasn't happened in a while. The girls hunch together to gossip as she walks by, and a teacher tells her she is wanted in the principal's office.

Taking a deep breath in, she tries to relax and get rid of the nasty feeling creeping into her gut. But the feeling, as always, is right. It has been every time since she was little, and it has saved her life more than once.

The adults stare at her, everyone talking all at once. All the voices mix together in her head, and she shakes it to stop the buzzing, so she can hear what is happening.

 _Rumours… Sleeping with a teacher… Mr. Herrera…_

Her skin goes ashen as her stomach gives out. The nausea slowly creeps from her abdomen to her head, and then the familiar darkness creeps in and she crumbles into a heap on the floor.

* * *

They make a big fuss out of it. Everyone, Camille, even Hank, the good old softie. He drags her to the hospital, makes her do tests, being all papa bear with his worried expression. And even though putting on that pathetic robe isn't on her bucket list, she does it to calm him down.

A familiar face would make matters better on a normal day, but somehow, Jay's mom entering the curtain with which she's supposed to maintain her privacy, doesn't make things much better. Even though the woman smiles at her, Erin can feel the absence of her usual warmth. It's understandable. She doesn't think she could like a girl that broke her son's heart either. No matter how unintentional the breaking of said heart was.

"Is there any possibility you're pregnant?"

Erin shakes her head. Thank god she can answer that with utter certainty, because otherwise that would have been awkward. If Jay's mom found out her son was sexually active (was being the operative term) from her patient.

"Have you taken any drugs lately?"

Another head-shake. Why don't they just make her strip in front of everyone. It would feel less intrusive.

"Any stressful situations lately?"

 _You have no idea._

But instead she just nods slightly, hoping that this question will not be followed up with a bunch of others. Her face towards Erin softens a bit, with a hint of understanding for what the girl is going through.

"It's probably due to the stress, but we'll run some tests to be sure."

She nods, watching her as she leaves, immediately replaced by Hank. Pulling up a chair, he casually sits next to her bed, looking at her with that serious expression that intimidates some of the worst criminals, so she doesn't really feel guilty for caving in.

So she tells him about the rumour thing, because he was going to find out sooner or later, and because she can't keep everything in anymore. His face lines with anger but softens when she bursts into tears.

"I'm just so tired." She lets out a sob, finally allowing herself to feel the excruciating pain. It floats to the surface, drowning her. "I feel like I'm climbing all the time, and I'm tired and the top is nowhere in sight. And I just want to let go. I just want to stop climbing for a second, because it's so hard."

"I know, kiddo. I know."

And his strong arms holding her, while her body shakes with cries make her realize something.

She can, indeed, let go.

And for now, at least, that's more than she ever expected. When the nurse returns with test results, she's feeling much calmer, with a plan starting to form in her head. She has let people walk all over her for far too long.

It's time for a piece of Erin Lindsay that they never wished to have met.

* * *

"Okay, class, we are doing this project in pairs." There is all around groaning. "And yes, your partner is being assigned to you." More groaning.

Erin feels like groaning too, when the list gets passed around. Of course. What else, with her luck? Of course, he is her partner on a project only three weeks after they decided to take a break. To be fair, ever since, her life has been crumbling down around her. She got an F in Chemistry, got accused of sleeping with a teacher, and got sent into the principal's office for falling asleep during class (in her defence it was a really boring class).

They have finally decided that the rumour was made up by a malicious student—the identity of which isn't much of a secret to Erin—so they even let her stay in Mr. Herrera's class. She imagines Hank had something to do with that, because after she told him about the rumour he went to school, furious. It still comes as a surprise—a nice, warm surprise—that somebody is in her corner now, so she doesn't have to fight her battles alone anymore.

She doesn't care that most people stare at her as she walks the halls. She's used to that from those first months, after everyone found out where she came from and what her backstory was. But Hank is breathing down her throat, and Camille is worried.

They all know something is wrong, but since she clenches her teeth together stubbornly and refuses to tell them, there isn't much they can do about it, except be there for her in any way they can.

She observes Jay as the list reaches his desk, and his eyes flicker to her so fast, she might have missed it, had she blinked. Mr. Herrera explains the project further, the content of which slips by her, so it's probably a lucky thing that she's doing this project with Jay, who always listens to the instructions.

When Mr. Herrera dismisses the class, Jay stops by his desk on his way out. Erin thinks that perhaps he needs some clarification on the task, and she only lingers behind, so that they can talk about doing the project.

"I need another partner. I can't work with her."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Halstead. The partners have been assigned. I can't help you with that."

Jay nods, looking resigned, while she feels like crying. He leaves the class without even glancing at her. He has been avoiding eye contact with her lately. At first, she thought he hated her so much he won't even look at her. But the day before, when their eyes met during lunch he left the room. It's too painful. She realized that when Kim asked her why she's crying in the middle of lunch, when she hadn't even noticed that her cheeks were wet and tears were dampening her sandwich.

"Mr. H, is there really no way of switching partners?" She asks, begging. Not because she can't do it, or handle working with him. But because she doesn't want to hurt him more.

"What's going on, Erin? Do you hate this boy so much?"

She shakes her head furiously. "I don't hate him."

It takes him a moment. "I'm sorry."

"And I'm sorry about that rumour, Mr. H. I never wanted for the petty teenage drama to put a mark on your career."

"I appreciate you saying that, Erin."

She nods, leaving in resignation. It surprises her when Jay is waiting in front of the classroom. He's leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking mighty fine in the blue Henley.

"I tried," she tells him in a small voice. He nods in reply.

"So, I guess we should do this then?"

"Yeah," she murmurs, her voice even smaller than she remembers. One look and she's reduced to a puddle of mush on the floor. That is how badly she still loves him, and how much he still affects her.

"My place, Wednesday after school?"

Why does looking at him hurt so damn much? Maybe, because all she wants to do is caress those freckles on his cheek and kiss the pain on his face away. But instead, she finds herself nodding.

"I'll see you there," he tells her.

"Okay." She gets it. No maximizing their time together. No awkward walk to his house where they don't know what they should talk about. And a part of her almost leans in for a kiss, like she did every time they parted before, but he's gone before she can even move.

She's left watching him leave. Again.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, okay, I know this chapter makes everything almost worse, but love me anyway?**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hello lovelies! So by far the most votes were for TBE, so I guess here it comes? People keep telling me to fix it anyway!**

 **Huge thanks for all your support and reviews. They make my day!**

 **And my eternal gratitude to quesera1 for proofreading this! And for brainstorming ideas with me!**

* * *

About a month ago, Erin was knocking on this same door in a completely different situation.

Jay opens it, though this time not with a smile but a frown. She wants to scream, to tell him she was stupid. She wants to explain everything that has been going on, and most of all she wants to tell him that she loves him. Because out of all the things that transpired, Jay not being aware of that hurts Erin the most. But she remains silent, following him inside and up to his room.

He digs up the book—Romeo and Juliet—while her eyes flicker around nervously. He motions to the extra chair he brought up for her, and turns on his computer, so they can start working.

"Are we really going to do this? Be all awkward with each other?"

"I don't want to," he admits. "But I miss you too much. It hurts to be around you. To talk to you and look at you."

He's staring at her knees, avoiding her eyes. She feels and hears the soft sigh he lets out—a sigh so sad it penetrates her walls and crumbles them to the ground.

"I think we should start with the basics and move on from there."

She agrees. "I guess, the prevailing theme is… love?" She pronounces the last word as a whisper, as something forbidden—as forbidden as the romance in the drama. Her eyes lock with his and for a second the world is reduced to the two of them—the air saturated with longing and love.

He nods. "Yes."

And she can't hold it in any longer. "I love you," she blurts out. His eyes widen in surprise, her confession causing him to let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I know it doesn't change anything and that you think I don't trust you, but it's not fair to you that you never got to hear it. Because it is true. And this break doesn't make it any less true."

"Erin, I—I don't know what to say." He thinks he can see a spark fly when his fingers touch hers, even if only slightly. He feels hope deep in his chest, where his heart lies. But it doesn't change the fact that she's still not telling him what's bothering her. "My mom told me you fainted," he admits, though his mom asked him not to mention it to anyone, confidentiality and all. But Erin doesn't seem upset that he knows.

"I'm fine. It was just stress."

"Stress that I added to. I'm sorry." Despite his attempt to hold back, he reaches out and strokes her cheek. A touch she leans into, craving the intimacy between them—the absence of which has been driving her mad since they broke up.

"It's not your fault. It's…" Something in her head says _screw it,_ and the secret she has worked so hard to keep from him, comes bursting out. "It's my mom. She's been calling all the time lately, asking for money and help. I just… I don't want anything to do with her. I never want to see her again. What kind of person does that make me? That I hate my mom?" She wipes away the tears almost furiously. "At the same time, she's my mom. Am I supposed to move on and forget about her? But she's never been my mom. Not really."

He's at a loss for words, so he pulls her sobbing body against him, wrapping his arms around her in a safe embrace. "It's okay." It's the only thing that he can think of saying. It's not okay, of course. But he wants her to understand that he's there, and though it's not okay now, it will be. One day.

His thumbs brush away the salty tears, his eyes gazing into hers. They look clear, as if the tears had washed away the troubles behind them. He leans in, softly touching their lips together until the world falls away. A kiss so slow, and soft and comforting in a way that words could never be. "I could never love you any less," he tells her after pulling away. "But you have to let me in."

"I know." Her voice wavers, while their eyes have a silent conversation of their own. This time, she is the one leaning in. His lips are warm and welcoming and after spending a month apart, they are also hungry. He manages to pull her onto his lap between shaky shallow breaths.

She runs her fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there is no space left between them and she feels the erratic beating of his heart, and his hot breath tickling her neck, followed by the tender brush of his lips against her skin.

A hand laces into her hair, as their kisses become more urgent and his other hand slides around her waist, pressing her body further into his, so he can feel her at last.

She wraps her legs tightly around him, pressing the centre of her body against his already growing erection. It makes her groan, and without breaking their lips apart, he stands, lifting her body up with a strength she didn't know he possessed. He gets them to the bed and lets her fall down with a soft bounce of the mattress.

They lock eyes for a moment—enough for them to feel safe and loved with one another, before their ability to contain themselves evaporates into thin air. They roll on the bed, desperately trying to get rid of their clothes without stopping the kisses and touches.

Having undone her jeans, he pulls them off, kissing up her leg, slowly, tracing her soft skin with his fingers. Her back arches, anticipating the moment when his fingers will reach their destination—and they do. A loud moan escapes her lips when his fingers stroke her clit over her panties, and her head falls back into the pillow. For a brief moment she questions whether this should be happening.

But even masked with lust and hunger, his love for her shines bright in his eyes. She realizes this could never be wrong. Whatever problems they have, they will work through them, because this feeling enveloping her right now—the feeling of calm and safety, is worth fighting for.

When her impatient fingers push down his jeans, and he helps her by kicking them off, she smiles at his hurry, though she wants to groan because his fingers stopped touching her, and she needs more.

Rolling them over, so she's the one on top of him, she throws off her bra, before finally reuniting their lips again. His hands explore her body like it's the first time, like there isn't a single inch he hasn't touched before. He works his way up from her thighs, over her hips, until he finally cups her breasts. She closes her eyes, her head falling back as she gets lost in the feeling.

They manage to get the rest of their clothes off, before falling onto the bed together, not knowing where she begins and he ends. Their sweaty bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle, and when he sinks inside of her, she has to bite her lip to stifle a loud moan. This time, they find their rhythm soon, and Erin's heels digging into his lower back have him picking up the pace. He groans in an attempt to hold on longer, but when her hips rise, tilting so he's deeper inside of her, he can't hold on anymore.

The soft breathy sounds she's making are enough to have him teetering on the edge, and when he feels her tremble beneath him, followed by a scream of his name, it triggers his own release.

She falls back into bed, with Jay still buried inside of her, finally, and she can't help thinking that this is how it was always supposed to be. No past drama, no mom issues, no demons. Only Jay, and the never-ending love he has for her.

If only it were that easy.

* * *

"We didn't do the project," she says with a goofy smile, before bursting into laughter. He joins her, seeing light after days of wandering around in darkness. As long as she's sitting on his bed, putting on clothes (even though he doesn't really want her to), everything is fine. She is looking at him like he is the best thing that ever happened to her, and more than ever, he wants to be.

"Tomorrow then." He shrugs. As if he needs more reasons to see her.

"I wish I could stay." She wants to fall asleep in his arms, just once, and wake up next to him, and make love to him again in the morning. But they're teenagers, and it's already hard enough to sneak around like they do, so their parents don't find out.

"Hey, Jay, can I borrow—" Will enters without knocking, and they both exhale with relief that this didn't happen minutes before, when they were lying on Jay's bed, naked in each other's arms.

Will eyes Erin, and by the way he looks at her dishevelled appearance, she suspects he knows. The corners of his lips tug upwards, and that's when she sees the resemblance between the brothers. "Hey, Erin."

"Hey." That comes out way too shaky for her taste. Maybe it's time to get going. "I should go."

"I'll walk you out," Jay offers, because there is no way he's letting her go without a kiss. They walk down the stairs together, and she realizes it's nearly dark outside. The time passed them by too quickly. It was stupid of her not to take her jacket, but when she came over it was still relatively warm.

"Here," he offers, draping his own over her shoulders. She breathes in his scent, grateful that she gets to take a piece of him home with her.

"I love you." With the words, he attacks her lips. Her back against the wall, she melts into him.

"I love you, too."

That's the moment—Jay having her against the wall with his tongue down her throat—that Jay's mom chooses to come home. Busted, they part, still gasping for air, both of them blushing and at a loss for words. Jay's mom looks at them surprised, and Erin takes this opportunity to murmur a quick hello and an even quicker goodbye, before sneaking out the door into the evening.

Jay looks at his mom with a grin, hoping that she's in a good enough mood to let this slide.

"I see we need to catch up," she starts. "Just please tell me you two are being careful."

"Mom!"

"Jay, if you're old enough to be having sex, then you're old enough to talk about safe sex."

He blushes fiercely, sex being last on his list of subjects he never wants to discuss with his mom. "Yes."

"Good. Now tell me how you two got back together."

And he does. Leaving out, of course, all the unimportant details that his mother really doesn't want to hear anyway.

* * *

"You okay, kiddo?" He plops down on the couch next to her, obviously aware of the fact that she hasn't been watching the tv, but more pretending she is, lost in thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry for all the trouble lately."

"I never wanted more from you than you were capable of, you know. I only ever wanted you to do your best, and that was good enough for me. I'm sorry if you couldn't see that."

She knows he's referring to her little breakdown in the hospital.

"I know that now. You know, for the first few months after you and Camille took me in, I just waited for you to change your mind. At some point, I stopped waiting. And that scares me. It scares me to depend on someone." It's unusual for her to share this much with anyone, but after confiding in Jay, she feels like she can finally trust people and let herself be more vulnerable.

He nods, taking all of it in. "It's scary. But also rewarding when the people you depend on show up."

"Yeah," she agrees. "Thank you for showing up. For taking me in with all my baggage. For never giving up."

"Thank _you_ for proving me right. I love you, kiddo."

"Yeah, just don't let it get in your head, okay?" She pauses and smiles. "Love you too."

"What's going on with this boy you've been seeing? Are you still broken up?"

"His name is Jay, Hank."

"Well invite Jay over for dinner, so I can question him about his intentions."

Wanting to reason with him, she stops herself. Because this is exactly something a real dad would do, if she ever had one. So who is she to fight the natural course of events.

* * *

"I figured out how Allie knew." It seems so long ago, verging on irrelevant by now, but she wants to tell him, because they are trying this honesty thing, where they don't keep things from each other. "That day in the hallway, when we were kissing. She must have overheard our conversation."

 _"We need to stop, before you make it impossible for me to go to class," he admits almost shyly, causing her to grin._

 _"You can be so shy sometimes, and then you do things like in Wisconsin, by the lake." It's an honest observation, and one that makes him laugh. She buries her fingers in his hair, enjoying the vibration his laughter is causing._

 _"It's a learning curve, I guess," he admits._

"Of course, we thought we were alone," he remembers, because he never would have kissed her like that if he thought anyone was watching. In private, Jay has become much more confident and skilled (they do practice any chance they get), but in front of people, he's still shy, and she respects that.

"And she never said exactly what happened. I figured it was because she only heard me say 'things' and she went with it." She nuzzles her face into his neck, enjoying the closeness and intimacy.

"How did you realize it?"

She explains after a pregnant pause. "The rumour, it made me think about how someone must have been spying on me to see me talking to Mr. Herrera."

His expression sobers. "I never believed the rumour. You need to know that."

She lifts her head to look him in the eyes. "I do know. But thank you for saying it."

"I'm just so happy we're okay."

Their project is halfway done, and they think they deserve this pause. Camille is in the kitchen, preparing dinner, but she doesn't seem bothered by the two of them, cuddling on the couch and talking.

"It's been crazy," she admits. And she has a feeling it isn't over yet. Her mother won't just give up. They have other problems, which include her F in Chemistry. But right now, all of their problems are out of their control.

Her hand sneaks underneath his Henley, resting on the warm patch of skin above his waist. The crook between his shoulder and his neck, which seems to have been made for her is the idea place for her to rest her head, as she finds herself being drifted to a restful slumber.

* * *

That's how Hank finds them two hours later, and he can't help smiling. He recalls a certain someone's head resting on his shoulder in the same way. He heads to the kitchen. Maybe he can convince that same person to give him a kiss, before he wakes these two up and invites Jay to stay for dinner.

After all, threatening his daughter's boyfriend is a father's job, and one that he takes very seriously.

* * *

 **A/N: There, it's fixed. I believe I deserve nice reviews for this?**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hi there! I hope there is still some people reading this story :) We are approaching the end, but don't worry, I have other things planned for this fandom.**

 **If you like this chapter, let me know!**

 **Also huge thanks to quesera1, who not only edits stuff for me, but also lets me ramble about my ideas and helps me out so much. Thank you!  
**

* * *

"It's great that you could make it," he whispers into her ear, knowing nobody else can hear him. Even if they're stuffed like two baby chickens underneath the bright lights of the school gym, with dozens of people around them, it feels like it's just the two of them.

"Well you did promise to help me study tomorrow, to make up for lost time," she replies, flirting just a little by raising her brow at him. He knows where she's getting at and clicks his tongue in response. Their study sessions lately haven't included that much … studying.

"Oh no, we're actually studying tomorrow. I'm not gonna let you seduce me again. If you get bad grades Voight is gonna kill me."

"Right, I seduced you. If you didn't look so yummy, maybe I would've been able to restrain myself."

"Yummy, huh?" He feels reason evaporating from his head, as he captures her lips in a soft kiss. They're in public after all. It doesn't matter what he wants to do to her in private; it doesn't matter that his groin twitches with need every time she's near.

"Uh-huh. Extremely yummy." She leans forward, whispering all the synonyms she knows for sexy in his ear. He tries to keep himself from blushing.

"That's very good. Your English tutor would be proud."

"You're my English tutor," she whispers in a husky voice.

"Consider me proud," he replies, his hand reaching higher up her thigh. He notices her swallow, and searches for the other signs—biting her bottom lip, shallow breaths. He's gotten to know her quite well lately. He knows what she wants, and he's cursing the universe that he isn't able to give it to her in this moment.

It's why he retracts his hand from her thigh, instead lacing his fingers with hers so they can both calm down a little.

* * *

"Hey, you."

"Hey! That was a great game!"

"Thanks!" Kelly meets her bright smile with his own. They won the basketball game, so he's in a good mood, even for him. He looks good with a smile, she thinks. But not as good as her boyfriend. "Hey, there is a party at my place after. My mom has a work trip. Why don't you come?"

Her eyes flicker back to where Jay is waiting for her, checking his phone. She considers herself lucky. Any other guy would have been jealous of her friendship with Severide, but Jay hasn't said a word about it. Overall, there is a new sense of trust between them since she came clean to him about her mom. If she had known he wasn't going to judge her, she would have told him weeks ago.

"He can come too. All your friends are welcome," he offers, clearly aware what her dilemma was. He wiped his sweaty front. "Listen, I gotta go shower and change. I hope I'll see you there."

"Text me the address," she murmurs before returning to her _boyfriend_. She loves to call him that, and now after a month apart, she finally can again. "Hey, you wanna go to a party?"

"Sure."

Erin is almost envious of how his parents don't seem to be that strict, and pretty much let him go to any party he wants, but on the other hand, this sweet face is uncapable of causing trouble, so that's likely the reason. And he doesn't really go out that much.

Surprisingly, Voight doesn't give her a hard time about it this time. The amount of trust she still enjoys with Hank and Camille surprises her, because she has betrayed that trust more times than she likes to admit.

"All set," she announces excitedly. The smile slowly disappears from her face, as she remembers the last party she went to—where her jealousy caused her to drink too much, almost making a mistake with Kelly (thank god he's a gentleman) and getting grounded for a week. But this time, it will be different. All she needs to do to know this, is look at Jay's goofy smile and remind herself that her trust in him is unequivocal.

There is nothing that can spoil this night for her. Especially because she just got an excuse to spend more time with him, and possibly sneak in a make-out session in some dark corner of the party.

* * *

Erin is pretty sure Jay is more than a little drunk, and she can't stop rolling her eyes at his uncharacteristic giggles. But he is so cute, and she just wants to kiss him all the time.

"I see why people do this now, I feel great!"

"You look great. Listen, I'll go get you some water, wait for me here, okay?"

"Go get me another drink!"

"Yeah, right."

She laughs, walking towards the general direction of the kitchen to get a glass of water for her very drunk boyfriend. As she makes her way through the crowd, she realizes she knows a lot of people here. There aren't just the jocks and the cheerleaders. Almost her entire class is here, which means Kelly didn't just invite the popular kids. He invited everyone. It also means it takes her longer to navigate through, because every few steps somebody says hi. And for someone claiming not to be popular, she sure knows a lot of people.

Finally locating the sink, she fills the glass, anxious to return to Jay. It's not like he's that drunk (well he is), but mostly she just doesn't want to be the reason for getting him in trouble at home. His mom has been a bit wary towards her since their make-up, and she can understand why.

Her blood boils when she sees who Jay is talking to. He seems uncomfortable, but his movements are slow—too slow to get away from that hyena. Just before Erin announces herself, Allie makes her move, leaning into Jay for a kiss.

Before she can think about it, her hand launches the glass of water she brought for Jay forward—towards the girl that's currently trying to kiss _her_ boyfriend.

"I've had just about enough of you," Erin snickers, not really in the mood for a scene, as Allie takes a step back, gasping with shock and squealing a little. It attracts the attention of the people around them enough for them to gather around. Erin shrugs. She didn't want to make a public spectacle out of it, but if that's the way Allie wants it … "Why don't you go throw yourself at someone who doesn't have a girlfriend?" The question is loud enough for people around them to get a clear grasp of what just happened, especially since water is still dripping off of Allie's face.

Humiliated, she turns and leaves, but not before directing a multitude of swear words at them, and everyone watching.

Erin looks back at Jay, who's grinning at her, wiping off the water that's dripping from his face. "You spilled my water." His teasing tone reassures her that he isn't mad at her for what she has done.

"I'll get you another one."

But he shakes his head at her, grabbing her arm and leading her to the hallway. It's dark there, as it leads to other parts of the house where there is no party. She wonders what's happening, when her back hits her wall and he's kissing her with bruising power. Trembling with need, she stifles a moan, knowing they need to remain quiet.

"I'm not thirsty anymore. At least not for water." His words are laced with sexual innuendo. "That was so hot," he breaths into her neck when he moves his kisses there.

"Well you're mine. I'm not letting anyone change that," she rasps back, melting underneath his hands. One thing Erin has learned about Jay—he's a quick learner. In all matters.

Her hands sneak underneath his henley, trailing up his spine. He returns the favour by placing his dangerously low on her spine, as he sucks on the gentle skin below her ear. As his hands lower, hooking behind the hem of her jeans, she moves hers as well.

He scrapes her skin with a bruising kiss on her neck—one she knows will leave a mark, but at this point she doesn't care. She needs him. Like she has never needed anyone before.

She whimpers when his fingers rub her through her pants, knowing just how wet for him she is. Her rational self knows they can't do this in the middle of a hallway, where anyone could catch them in action. But the other part—the not so rational one—wants to shed her clothes and let him take her here and now.

"Don't start something you won't finish," she warns, meaning it. She doesn't want to leave this party more worked up than she started it.

His head shakes.

"Don't worry, I'll finish it."

Her breath hitches somewhere in her throat, because the tone of his voice is absolutely promising, but he's already pulling her towards him, and despite her doubts, she follows. She would follow him anywhere.

It turns out he's nothing but practical, locating a second bathroom, which is unoccupied at the moment, so he pulls her in and closes the door. His eyes shine dark with carnal hunger, and only seconds later he fills his hands with her soft creamy skin.

"You're so beautiful. So fucking hot."

Erin blushes, unsure whether it's from the compliment or the actual heat of the moment, but she knows one thing for sure. She likes drunk Jay.

Because drunk Jay is absolutely nothing like any other drunk guy she has ever been with. It doesn't make her feel threatened, or wary. Deep down she knows that he's incapable of hurting her, and it's why all the doubts evaporate from her mind, and the world is reduced to one single emotion.

Desire.

"Hurry."

He pushes down her jeans while she opens his fly, freeing his hard erection. There is no time for undressing or finesse. There is just lust, threatening to devour them both with the power of a hurricane.

There is something new in their physical relationship—a possessive side she didn't know Jay had. Turning her around, he pushes her against the door, intensely, but still gently, as he slams into her from behind. Her back muffles his groan of pleasure when he's finally inside of her. It feels like heaven every time he thrusts, and he knows it won't last long.

He kisses her neck, sucking on the soft skin that meets him there. Erin is doing her best to keep quiet, but it's not an easy task, especially when he picks up the pace. In the moment when everything around her explodes, and she's stifling her moans, the only thing she's thinking of is that he is hers. Nobody else gets him like this—only her. And that is enough.

It's everything.

And with that knowledge she lets go.

* * *

"Wait up for me here, I just need to say goodbye?"

The party is dying out, and Voight has agreed to pick both of them up and drive them home. Erin thinks he would probably be less kind if he knew what happened at this party, but since he will never ever find out, she decides to enjoy his kindness while it lasts.

Jay nods, standing on the porch, keeping an eye out for Voight's car.

Erin knows Jay probably thinks she's saying goodbye to their host—Severide, but that is so not the case. If that hyena thought she would get away with just a glass of water thrown in her face, she was wrong.

Luckily, she finds her alone, chugging water from a red cup to sober up before going home.

"Good, here you are." Erin's voice is laced with power and authority. Allie looks almost scared, taking a step back. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you. Yet. I don't know what kind of games you're playing," she starts, lowering her voice, so the only person able to hear her is the intended target of her threat. "But I don't take well to people messing with my relationship. I've let a lot of things slide, but I think you might want to ask around about where I come from. Because I survived on the streets of Chicago, so taking out a twig like you will be a piece of cake for me. You can be sure I picked up some things along the way. Got it?"

Allie manages a nod, but Erin is not done yet. She is quite enjoying this power trip. "If I ever see you around Jay again, I will end you. You won't even know what hit you. Nod so I know you understand."

Allie nods again, tears welling up in her blue eyes. But Erin couldn't care less. She should have thought about the consequences before she messed with someone else's boyfriend.

"Great. Have a nice evening."

She heads out with a grin plastered on her face. Something tells her that this particular problem is not going to be bothering them any longer.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry this chapter took so long, I had some important decisions to make. Speaking of which, are you ready for it? You're probably not, no matter what you're telling yourself haha.  
**

 **Huge thanks to quesera1 for being the best nit-picky beta ever (I love you for it).  
**

 **Before we go to the chapter and the action, don't forget to review! No feedback, not final chapter. And trust me you're gonna need another chapter hahaha.**

* * *

"I can't believe you got your licence," Erin murmurs when the car stops at the traffic light. Jay got his driving licence a week ago, and this was the first time his mom let him borrow her car. Erin doesn't have hers yet—partly because she didn't want to ask Hank—but she can still drive better than Jay, whose stops are honestly horrible.

"Jealous?"

"Of your driving? Definitely not."

"Hey, you can walk if you don't like my driving."

"I'd rather not." A bad ride is still better than walking.

"That's what I thought."

He pulls into the parking lot. Despite the fun bickering, Erin's mind seems to be elsewhere, as it has been for almost a week. He's given her time, in case she wanted to bring it up herself, but now it's time for a different approach.

"What's bothering you? Is your mom still bugging you?"

"Yeah," she admits. She is sick and tired of lying. "She wants me to come meet her."

"Do you want to go? I can drive you."

She pauses. She does want to go, mostly because she is sick of Bunny ruining her life, and she wants to tell her to stay away in person. She wants to take one good glance at that neighbourhood and vow to never go back to that life. It's a promise she has already made to herself, and every text Bunny sends is a painful reminder of what her life used to be.

But on the other hand, Jay has only ever heard about her life. He has heard the things she deemed okay for him to know. It would be a whole different story if he actually got a glimpse of how she lived for the first fifteen years of her life.

"But we were gonna see a movie," she meekly objects to his offer, not putting any effort into her reasoning.

"We can see it another time."

She nods. "Okay. But you have to promise me something."

"What?"

"You can't look at me differently afterwards." Her eyes are wide and full of fear, making his heart break for her. In the past few months he's gotten to know her well, and he can see past the tough exterior she wants everyone to see. He sees the insecurities and knows that even the strongest people can be afraid.

But this is something she doesn't need to be afraid of.

"There is nothing that could make me see you as anything but strong and fierce." _And beautiful,_ but somehow, he doesn't see how this is relevant in this particular moment, so he'll just tell her that some other time.

"I love you."

The surprise still present in his expression tells Erin that she needs to say it more often. It's a learning curve for her—this whole being in love thing. She has never experienced a love this selfless and supportive. Her whole life whenever someone was nice to her, it was because they wanted something in return. She has had to adjust to the thought that not everyone is like that.

Save for a few directions, their ride to her old neighbourhood is silent. Erin's hands are making fists, keeping her from caving into her desire to bite her nails to ease the nerves. Jay's expression remains neutral even when they cross into the bad part of the town. It isn't hard to recognize it.

"It's this one," she mumbles. Neither of them says anything, but he can tell she is ashamed, and he quickly laces their fingers together.

"Listen, you can still change your mind if you don't want to go."

"I need to do this. I need some closure." Gently, she untangles her hand from his. "I think it's better if you wait here. This won't take long."

* * *

The familiar scent of alcohol, cigarettes and vomit fills her nostrils as she makes her way up to the apartment. It belongs to one of Bunny's boyfriends, and Erin is wishing on a star that he isn't there. A part of her even wishes that Bunny isn't.

But her hopes quickly disappear when her mother opens the door, letting out an excited scream. She is a mess, but then again Erin can't remember a time when she wasn't one. The slurred speech and her swaying figure are a dead giveaway that she is on something, probably alcohol and crack. Erin remembers crack was her poison of choice.

"My beautiful daughter, you look just amazing. I did a wonderful job."

 _Yeah, a wonderful job at almost screwing up my life._ "What do you want?"

"I was hoping you could spare some change. I'm in a bit of a bind." Which, in Bunny language, means she owes money to her drug dealer.

"I don't have money. And even if I did, you are the last person I'd give it to."

"I don't need much. Only a couple hundred."

"I don't have that kind of money." Not anymore. She used to, back when she had gotten sick of being hungry. It made her do some things she is not proud of, but before her mind can wander to that dark place, she reminds herself that she's pulled herself out. And damned if she is going back because her mother needs a fix. "Don't call me anymore. I mean it. We're done. Just let me live my life."

"Oh, so now you're too good for us? This is where you grew up. You can't take the trash out of a girl."

"You call me again, I'll tell Hank, and then you can deal with him." Sometimes you just have to admit that some battles are not meant to be fought alone, and lucky for Erin, she has some pretty solid backup if she needs it. "I gotta go."

Months of peaceful life have made her careless. Maybe months ago, she would have noticed the man coming out of the bedroom. _This must be either her dealer or boyfriend._ He looks high on something as well, his eyes flashing furiously. Erin swallows, her primal instincts telling her to run, but her feet are glued to the ground, her body frozen in place.

"You got the money?" He asks Bunny.

"She doesn't have any."

"Well then we have a problem."

Cold shivers go down Erin's spine at the sight of the gun. It isn't like she hasn't seen one before. Almost everyone had one around here. But as far as she can remember, she has never stared down a barrel of one pointed at her.

"I don't have any money," she tells him with calmness that surprises her as well.

"You sure? On your mother's life?" This time, the question is directed at Erin, but he points the gun to Bunny. In that moment, if Erin had any money, she would give it to him. But she doesn't, so she can only watch his eyes go crazy. Her ears hurt when the gun goes off, and in the split second she sees Bunny trying to duck behind her, but she isn't fast enough. Her body falls to the ground, blood pooling around her. _He's a good shot for someone who's high as a kite._ It's funny how in that split second, Erin has the time to think silly things like that.

It's as if the world stops, as she watches Bunny's limp body, and his gun moving towards her.

"Maybe I could get a few bucks for you. Pretty young girl. I'm sure men out there would be willing to pay a lot of money for a piece of that ass."

Her blood runs cold. The rest is done by pure instinct.

Letting out a scream, she lunges for him, her primary goal to knock the gun out of his hand. It works for the most part, and she gets a grip of the weapon. Scrambling to her feet, she points it at him. She doesn't expect him to laugh, but he does. It echoes in her head, her finger trembling on the trigger.

"What are you going to do? Shoot me?" He taunts, laughing. He steps to his right, closer to the kitchen. "I don't think so, girlie. You don't have it in you."

Her eyes flicker nervously around the room when he picks up a knife from the counter. Then, he lunges at her, definitely counting on her being too afraid to pull the trigger.

But for the first time in Erin's miserable existence, she has everything to lose.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:First of all, I would like to apologize, because apparently threatening not to post a chapter if there is no feedback is bitter and petty or whatever, so forgive my empty threats. I really do forget how sensitive some people tend to get.  
**

 **So, here we are. The last chapter. I hope I did a good job at wrapping up what has been a beautiful journey for Erin and Jay. It's been an honor writing this fic for you guys, and I just want to thank you all for sticking with me till the end.**

 **A special shout-out to the people who regularly review, because without you guys I would have given up at chapter 3. This chapter is dedicated to you and only to you. You know who you are and so do I.**

 **Big thanks to quesera1 for helping me with betaing :) You have no idea how grateful I am for making my work better.**

* * *

 _There are too many steps_ , is the only thought in Jay's head, as he jumps two at them at a time. The stairs creak underneath his feet and the only other sound his heavy breathing. The building did not look this high from the outside, and for the first time in his life, Jay wishes he were an athlete, so he could get to her faster.

The sirens are already approaching the building, undoubtedly the police are on their way. He called them, well Voight, as soon as the first gunshot went off. Voight instructed him to wait in the car, warning him that he could be walking into a dangerous situation, but Jay doesn't care about his instructions. The only thing that matters is getting to Erin.

As he reaches the third floor, he calls out for her, because it hits him that he doesn't know which apartment her mother lives in. All she mentioned was that it was on the 3rd floor. Panic sets in and he just wants to see her—to know that she's okay and that neither of the shots he heard ended up hitting her.

"In here."

The door is unlocked, but Jay is not prepared for the image that comes into view. Erin is crouched on the floor, sitting in a pool of blood. It takes him a while to realize it's not her blood, but her mother's. There is another guy, also lying in a pool of his own blood, and Jay wonders what the hell went down in here.

The calm in her voice and the dead in her eyes is chilling. "I should call Hank."

"He's on his way."

Jay is at a loss for what to say or do. "Come here," he tells her, offering his hand, so she can get off the floor. "Are you hurt? Are you okay?" He should check the two people lying on the floor, but somehow, his only concern is for the trembling girl before him.

She shakes her head in response to both questions. His arms wrap around her, pulling her motionless body into a calming embrace, and in that moment, she knows she did the right thing.

And as tragic as her mother being dead is, as horrible as the thought of going to jail is, or having her future taken away because of this, there is only one thing Erin can think about.

 _You can't take anything else away from me._

 _Not anymore._

* * *

"It's weird being here. Without Erin."

Jay looks down at the dirty cafeteria table. Kim's words run very true with him as well. He feels her presence everywhere, and he misses her with an intensity that almost physically hurts. Especially because he feels he should be with her right now.

"Have you talked to her?"

"I went there last night, but she was asleep." He doesn't mention that Camille told him that they had to sedate Erin once the shock subsided. It all came rushing out, and Jay hates that he couldn't have been there. "I'll try again after school."

His mother might have been forgiving and sympathetic when he explained what happened, despite the fact that he was drenched in someone else's blood when she saw him. The paramedics arrived to the scene minutes after he reached Erin, but it was too late for Bunny. Bunny's boyfriend, as he was told by Camille, barely made it to the hospital.

His mom still wouldn't let him stay home from school. Not that he learned anything—except that time can pass very slowly when you want school to end.

"I just hope she's okay. Will you tell her we're thinking of her?" Adam's unusually gentle words are a sign that Erin has touched many lives. It would move her to know she is beloved by so many people.

"I will."

* * *

"Jay, hi. I can't say I'm surprised to see you," Camille greets him, and motions him inside. "I think she'll be happy you're here."

"How is she?"

"Shook. She's barely said a word since last night."

Jay nods. He can understand that, especially when he remembers her still body and empty eyes from the day before. It was obvious she was in shock and still not processing what happened in there.

"Is she in trouble?"

"Hank is not worried," is her simple reply, and Jay doesn't question it any further. If Voight had to do something, like tell lies so Erin wouldn't get in trouble, he's more than okay with it. His girl has been through enough. "You can head upstairs if you like."

* * *

Her hands quickly wipe away the tears, as if that alone could hide the evidence of her crying. She relaxes when she sees Jay's head pop into the room. Her shoulders lower back from the attentive pose and she exhales with relief.

He is the only person she wanted to see, and the only person she couldn't see, so his presence alone is overwhelmingly good. And she needs something good in her life right now.

"Hey."

"Hey back," she murmurs, watching him approach with caution. A simple broken look is enough to have him rushing in to hold her, and seconds later she's sobbing in his arms.

Normally, drugs and alcohol would be her escape following an event like that, but she has given that up, save for an occasional beer at a party. Pretty soon, she realizes that crying in the arms of your loved one has a similar effect, even if it isn't exactly as easy to do.

"I can still smell the acid of the bullet. I hear the echo every time I fall asleep."

That explains the dark circles underneath her eyes. He wishes he could do more to help her, but the only thing he can think of is taking off his shoes and letting her settle her head on his chest.

"It's okay. It's over."

And for the very first time in her life, Erin is inclined to agree.

* * *

It's a beautiful day.

Jay thinks it's very ironic that the sun is so bright, providing such a contrast to the black clothes. As they lower the casket into the ground, Erin's hand slips into his—proof that she has been trying to be better at reaching out.

The only other people there are the Voights. Hank is wearing a serious expression, which would be very intimidating if Jay hadn't gotten to know the man enough to know that he's a gentle man when it comes to his family. Then there is Camille, with her soft sad smile, and her hand resting protectively on Erin's shoulder to remind her that she's not alone. And she never will be again. Justin is standing on the other side of Erin, his arm softly brushing against hers. He's not comfortable expressing the feelings yet, but he still wants her to know he's there.

They're a family, Jay thinks, and somehow, he fits in. They all have one very important thing in common.

It's finished before it even started.

Hank nods to Erin, when she asks if she could go somewhere with Jay. "No curfew today."

"Don't let her out of your sight," he mutters to Jay, and he nods to the man. He was surprised that even though it was essentially his fault—if he hadn't taken Erin there, none of this would have happened—Voight still trusts him with her.

He thinks it must have something to do with what happened when Voight found them, along with his partner.

 _Jay is holding Erin far away from the bodies, his body providing shelter from the nasty view. Even when Voight finds them, he refuses to let go of her until he absolutely has to._

 _"You can say that I did it," he offers quietly, when Al takes Erin away so Hank can question Jay. "I don't want her to be in any more trouble. I'll take the fall."_

 _"That's very brave, but it won't be necessary." In that particular moment, Jay knows why Erin talks about Voight like he's some sort of god—because looking at him, Jay has this strange feeling that it will all be alright._

He feels Erin tugging at his hand now. They head towards the car. "Where to?"

"Can we go somewhere quiet?"

They end up on the waterfront. Jay makes sure she gets something to eat, and for the rest of the day they just lie in the sand. The conversation is limited and essentially unnecessary, because they don't need words. She takes solace in him being there, and he in knowing that there is something he can do to help, even if it's as small as just existing next to her.

* * *

The last day of school, Erin comes home to find bags on the front porch.

The past couple of weeks haven't been easy. As if school wasn't hard enough, she's had to deal with the aftermath of killing someone. Jay's words come back to her now. _It's over._ But the truth was, it was only the beginning of the healing process.

The people around her have provided infinite amounts of love and support, but there were some things that she had to deal with herself, which caused her to pull back a bit. Focusing on school helped, and despite everything, she passed all her classes. She would show off her report card if the porch wasn't full of bags that Camille and Hank were starting to load in the car.

"Where are you going?"

"We are all going to Wisconsin. We wanted to surprise you. You've been through so much this year, so we wanted to give you a chance to relax."

Erin's eyes fill with tears almost immediately at the thought of the peace and quiet she's experienced in that place, but her stomach turns with the though of leaving Jay behind without even saying goodbye.

But the car is almost loaded and she can't stall, so she gets into the back seat, trying to look at the bright side of things.

She closes her eyes for what seems like a minute and already she feels the car pull to a stop. It's weird—why are they stopping already. But all she has to do to understand, is open her eyes to find Jay passing Hank his bag.

"Got room for one more?"

"What—how—I—"

"Jay's parents kindly agreed that he could come with us," Camille explains, enjoying in the small tug of Erin's lips upwards. Her lips form a quiet _thank you,_ too overwhelmed to say anything else.

Erin scoots to the side, surprised that Justin doesn't scowl at her for invading his personal space—he must have been warned by Camille and Hank. Jay waves to his mom and brother, jumping in next to her, his arm going around her almost by instinct.

She spends the entire ride sleeping on his shoulder, and he wonders if she knows that she's smiling in her sleep, curious what it is she's dreaming of.

* * *

"Hey, mind if I join you?" With a simple shake of her head, she signals that she doesn't mind, and he joins her slow steps on the forest trail.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. You know, I shot a guy and watched my mother bleed to death, but I'm great."

"You know at some point, you're gonna have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living your life." The words sound harsh, but he hopes she recognizes his intention for what it is—a desire to help.

"Is that so?"

"Uh-huh."

She smiles at him. It's the first smile she has given him since everything went down, and Jay wants to capture that moment and stay in it forever. His world gets a little brighter just with that simple action.

"Your ability to call me out on my bullshit is one of the many reasons I'm in love with you."

"Well, someone's gotta do the heavy lifting," the words are said as a joke, but he hopes she realizes he means them. He is there for all of it—the good and the bad. Her smile is followed by a laugh, and for a moment he sees the pain disappear.

"I appreciate it." There is a brief pause, when they just walk, side by side. It's comforting and therapeutic in a way, and Jay has never understood more why people recommend walks when you don't feel well. The scenery and the fresh air of Northern Wisconsin don't hurt either. "I just keep remembering it, you know? I don't know if I told you, but Bunny was going to hide when she got shot. Behind me. What does that say about me? That my mother would let me take a bullet for her. Aren't parents supposed to like, make sacrifices for their children and not the other way around?"

Jay finally gets it now. Erin has been isolating herself from others, which has left her alone with her toxic thoughts and the aftermath of the trauma she went through. Lacing their fingers together, he squeezes her hand reassuringly.

"That says nothing about you, and everything about her. Fact is, you've just been dealt some seriously bad cards until recently. Not all mothers act like one. But if you're looking for sacrifices, you don't need to look far."

She nods, knowing exactly what he's talking about. It's curious how when Jay talks, everything seems to make sense. "They took quite a chance, bringing in a kid from the street."

"They gave you a chance and you took it. And _that_ says everything about you."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Her eyes move up from the ground to meet his. Her step falters, her body drawn to him. His arms envelop her into safety that she's never known until she met him, just like she never knew what home meant until she moved in with the Voights.

"Must've done something right," he teases, pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'm glad we talked."

"Me too."

"Feel like a swim?" He asks, tugging at her hand to follow him.

"I don't have my swim suit."

"Who says you need one?" Her eyes widen, but also sparkle with a spirit of adventure.

"I created a monster."

"Come on."

* * *

"I honestly can't believe we're going home tomorrow," she mumbles, sleepy from the swimming and the sun. "Despite everything, this has been the best summer ever."

Hank had to return soon after they got there—only being able to score so many vacation days, but they stayed the entire summer. Jay's family came too, even though that didn't stop him from sleeping on the couch with Erin. Nobody even seem to bring it up, as they were all too happy that Erin was doing better.

And she was better. Happiness radiated from her skin, and her relaxed smile was something they all welcomed back very unsarcastically—even Justin.

"I know. I'm gonna miss this place. And swimming with you."

"I know what you mean by swimming."

"I mean exactly that—swimming."

Leaning her head back to press a kiss wherever she can reach, she giggles. She lets the sun peeking through the branches warm her skin, enjoying the way Jay's arms are wrapped all the way around her.

He's sitting against the tree, and she's sitting between his legs, resting her head on her all-time favourite spot—his chest. It feels like it belongs there, like it has since the moon was born.

"Penny for your thoughts," he says, pulling her out of her daydream.

"I was thinking about the butterfly effect."

He seems surprised. "Like when a butterfly flaps his wings and causes a typhoon on the other side of the world?"

She nods. "Or how a girl stands up for a bullied classmate and ends up changing the course of her life."

He smiles at her, his expression pensive. "That seems like a lifetime ago. You changed mine too, you know? And probably many others. But I'm glad you did."

"If I hadn't, maybe you and I would never even have started talking."

"True. Or maybe something else would have happened that would have pushed us together. It's impossible to know."

It's scares her a little, the unpredictability of the consequences of her actions—of anyone's actions. But that's just life, and if she has learned anything lately, it's that life has a way of delivering you exactly where you need to be.

"Wanna go for a swim?" She asks all of the sudden, when the pleasant tiredness threatens to put her to sleep. She doesn't want to waste any of the time they have left.

"A swim, or a _swim?"_

"According to you there is only one meaning," she teases, though they both know it isn't true. _Swimming_ has become a code for their secret encounters—the ones away from everyone else. The most intimate ones that they refused to give up.

Grinning, she gets up on her feet, pulling him up as well. "It would be a shame not to say goodbye to our favourite spot."

She heads to the lake, but he catches her hand in pulls her closer. Her eyes gaze up at him with curiosity.

"We're okay, right?"

He isn't really asking about them, even though her not being okay, means he's not okay. But he's asking if she's okay, and she's happy that she can nod her head and actually mean it. "We're solid."

"Solid is good."

"I couldn't have gone through the past couple of months without you. I hope you know that."

A few weeks ago, she wouldn't be able to admit that so earnestly, but it's different now. They have worked on their communication, which, in hind sight, could have saved them a lot of trouble in the past.

"I'm always here. No matter what."

Her mind drifts back to the first time they spoke. That insecure boy has grown into her steady rock of a man. Gone is the helpless look in his eyes, replaced by confidence and reassurance. She loves the fact that she got to be a part of that journey and one of the reasons for it.

She supposes she's changed too since that day, but one thing hasn't changed at all. And it never will.

As she stares up, his eyes still scream that he will never give up, and that he will find what he's looking for, and that he will make the world his own. But when he pulls her in, so his lips can touch hers gently, he makes her feel like he already has—like maybe she was the thing he was looking for, and now that he's found her, the world is already his own.

And she hopes in her smile he finds that she has found her missing piece as well.

 _~The end.~_

* * *

 **A/N: Again, thank you for sticking with me. I know you have no reason to review anymore, since this is the last chapter, but I would very much appreciate your thoughts!**

 **And finally, here is the excerpt of my next fic** ** _Begin Again_** **. I will post the first chapter soon. Enjoy and let me know what you think.**

 _Home._

 _They say it's where you go to rest your bones. To heal._

 _So maybe this is a good decision, she contemplates, standing at the waterfront, staring at the city she grew up in. The familiar skyline already makes her heart ache for people she's left behind when she took a job in New York and moved. It was a great opportunity, career-wise, and despite the circumstances in which she left her detective job and her cute apartment in New York City, she is glad to be home._

 _Chicago seems to have a certain hold on her, the kind that makes her keep coming back. Or maybe it's the people—her family that's not really her family, but the people she's lucky enough to call that. The people who showed her what family is supposed to be._

 _Maybe this is a horrible decision, but the demons dancing on her back have knocked her down, and she knows shaking them won't be easy. And it's why she's come back to her city, to her people. So that she doesn't have to do this alone._

 _She wonders if she'll look different to them. After all, they say certain events in your life change you forever, and she's certain she'll never feel the same again. She will never be that blind naïve woman again. He took that away from her. They all did. But it's not like it's a visible wound that she can show people, and say, see, I've been hurt. It's not visible. It rests somewhere deep inside of her, making its way up every time she goes to sleep and closes her eyes._

 _But she longs so badly to feel some sort of normal again. To feel like the ground beneath her feet has stopped shaking._

 _After it happened, the world seemed to have stopped for her. But it didn't stop for anyone else, and she still struggles to keep up with everyone's pace. She needs to accept that she can't keep doing that. She needs to find her own pace again, and she can't do that in New York._

 _Maybe she'll just have to make a new normal. And where better to do it than home?_


End file.
